Chapter 25 : I'll fall with your knife

“Will you let go of my ear?”, I asked. It was an innocent question, or so I thought.
“Please, Jon, that’s hurting like hell, that is!”
You ignored me, and for some thirty seconds more, you kept on pulling my ear, twisting it slightly.
By now, I had already lost all sense of feeling, and if it hurt, then I no longer felt it.
I did feel a certain shame out of being dragged halfway across town by my ear.
You stopped, pulling my ear nevertheless, and looked at me as if you were seeing me for the first time, cold, cold as winter in July and said, “You and me. Your place. Sleep. Tomorrow, we talk.”

We got in the cab, and were halfway to mine pretty soon.
The cabbie tried to make conversation, because football is always something good to talk about, but neither your temper nor my being roaring drunk helped much.
We got out of the taxi, and for no apparent reason you tip the cabbie.
And people call me crazy.
We walked the rest of the way, there was some repair work being done near the street where I lived that kept the taxi from getting us nearer.
We walked in silence, and when we got to my place, you asked for a blanket so you could sleep on the couch.
I went to my bedroom, found an old blanket, gave I to you; you lied down without a word, and were asleep soon after.

I confess, I did not spend much time wondering about what the hell all this was about, I was feeling tired, too.
And thirsty.
So I went to the kitchen, and in my fridge I found half a six-pack of beers, which is just a somewhat stupid way of saying three beers, now that I think about it.
I had one because I was thirsty, another for you (and here’s to you, Jon!), and the other because then I’d have nothing cluttering my admittedly very empty fridge, and above all, just because.
While I was drinking, I notice that the white in the kitchen, the light reflected on the the also very white walls, was strangely akin to that of the hospital that I so recently got out of.
I went to bed, beyond knackered, and I don’t even remember falling asleep.

‘I had made my way past the mountains that even now were to my back, and I was walking through green and desolate hills; these hills had the faces of long dead and forgotten deities.
The wind was howling, in the truest sense of the word, for the wind was a pack of wolves, an enormous pack of wolves that was running in and above me, whispering names and words in incomprehensible tongues, uttering the truths that might be within our grasp, if only we let go of our tethers.’

‘Suddenly I decided that the wind made by the frantic running of the wolves was too strong, and so I changed my course, heading nowhere, looking for something that I had meanwhile forgotten. I found myself in the city of Coimbra, in the train station, but though everything and everyone there were modern-day, the station itself seemed to have been built in the 17th century by some visionary genius who thought that heated pools peopled both by animals and, well, people was all the rage. I also saw that I had no money, and could not go back home.’
‘In the midst of all this disorientation, I saw that I was not in fact in Coimbra, but in Cascais, and I was in a garden right in the middle of the town, but wait, no I’m really in a garden in Lisbon, and there is a fair here, a most curious fair where the salesmen are dwarves that rode dogs as if they were horses, and oh, they were selling all those toys I had as a child, the ones I always wanted but could never have, and all my books, the ones that got burned when my house burned down, but I wasn’t there alone, there were some friends of mine there, a couple over there looked familiar… Is that Snow? Yes, but he’s older, now. And somewhat shallow, too, it seems to me. He’s with a girl that I never seen before, but that smile, that smile…
I’ll ask her what her name is, I decided.’

‘But suddenly my cell starts to ring, and it’s a very old model, one of those that you had to carry around in a case, and someone told me that I must go to Lisbon international airport immediately to cover live the breaking news : the first real Transformer was had been developed, and it was a Space Shuttle.
On my way to the airport, though, I decide to get a new suit, something pretty, and warm too; it was winter, and very cold.
As I make my way to a shopping centre, I see that the entrance is full of beggars selling big balls of wool.
I’m headed towards a door, where a beggar, who was so ragged and filthy even other beggars stayed away from her, and who was so old, and with such an irritating voice, sidles up to me so she could get in with me.
A blonde woman who was right behind us, who appeared to be obscenely rich, was telling her also blond and very tanned friend how she spent a fortune in a trifle; saying so with enormous pride.
Me and the beggar looked all around us, and saw all those dozens?hundreds? no, thousands of people who even if they whored themselves in a corner would not have money enough for a warm meal, and after hearing such a ridiculous conversation, we could only laugh.’

‘So the obnoxious beggar and I got into the mall, walking side by side, and she tried to make small talk with me; she wanted to know what I did, where I came from, where I lived… out of a question of courtesy, I gave her my name, just so she would stop talking to me.
I badly wanted her to go away, so I could go and buy my suit, but no, she wouldn’t go away.
I see Jon coming from somewhere, again with that girl with the great smile; she does a hair-flip; I have to know this girl’s name now, but I have to go get a newspaper first…’

‘I arrive in the newsagent, it was huge, cavern-like, and so people wouldn’t read stuff and then not pay for them, they chose to work under the dimmest of lights.
Suddenly I’m in the airport, hundreds of engineers scurrying around, running to and fro, as if they were ants, to ready the Transformer.
Now is the time, ladies and gentlemen, you will believe in the impossible, what we were about to see was beyond our ken.
It would all have been much more impressive, I suppose, if it didn’t all boil down to just a few hundred guys making a space shuttle out of legos.’

‘I was just about to leave this fiasco when I notice that there three guys there who were stark naked, huge, impossibly huge penises hanging heavily, and they wanted to sodomize me.
The mutant-dicks ran after me, and wanted so bad to catch me so they could then sell me to a bunch of gays that had their eyes on me : they wanted to make an eunuch out of me, to be cut at their own leisure, so I could be a part of their race of perfect and asexual beings.’

I wake up screaming, drenched in sweat.
I looked at where my alarm clock should be. It’s not like it wasn’t there, but he had gone away and brought a few friends along.
One of them was telling me that it was around three o’clock.
Three o’clock???
Damn, must have overslept.
Not that I had something useful to do anyway, but I figured I’d be up a hell of a lot sooner.
So I got up, and on my way to the kitchen, I felt the delicious aroma of… pizza? What the…?
I found you in the living room, clearing the chaos that was my dining table, so we could sit comfortably and eat.
I stared at you for a while, until you say, “There’s not much that you can do in the way of help. Go shower, man. You look almost as bad as I feel”, you said with some hints of cheerfulness in your voice.

The shower worked wonders on me, I made sure that the water ran for a few minutes so it would come out scalding hot, so I could wash away this feeling of filth in me.
The warmth of the water, coupled with the fact that I didn’t even leave the bathroom window open made me feel a bit woozy, and everything I drank last night seemed to want to come out… it’s always possible that who knows, maybe, just maybe I drank a bit too much.
I showered quick enough, though. I got dressed, got back to the dining room, and came up to you, where you were sitting at the table, a large bottle of water in the middle.
Nothing for me?
I sat down.

“Did you make this?”, I asked. Because if you did, then my friend, you are a true magician because I had little to no food at all at home.
“D’you think?”, you replied. “Nah, I ordered. You didn’t have anything at all to eat, except a few empty bottles of beer, which I don’t really recommend, so I decided that we both need something with a bit more… substance to line our stomachs”, you concluded.
“Right”, I agreed.
“And speaking of beer”, I said, “maybe I could go to the supermarket and get us something to drink”, I said, getting up.
But before I has halfway up, you put your hand on mine, and said, “No”.
No?
“No”, you repeated. “For you.”
And you said not for you, but for me. The good thing about being able to look back on something is that you can actually see how you behaved, and I was just so stupid back then…
“Well, just the one, it won’t –“, I was going to continue, but you didn’t let me.
“No”, you insisted again. “Sit. Eat. Drink water, if you’re thirsty. And listen to me. There is much we have to talk.”

I sat down.
Maybe with was everything at the same time, the stuff I drank last night, the hangover that came with it, that shower that cleansed me but left me weak, but suddenly I felt very, very hungry, and quick as that I had eaten two slices of sweet pizza, without nary a glance at them; and by their taste, they had tuna, bacon, and olives.
I drank water, but it was way too cold.
I never did like the stuff, and I told you so.
“One day you will”, you said enigmatically.

“Will, I have several important things I have to say to you. Some of them about me, about how I’m feeling, and how my life is right now, and others about you”, you said.
“Regarding what I want to tell you about me, I ask only that you listen to me, because I believe I know what your opinion is. Perhaps in times it would have been a different one, but there we go, nothing remains the same”, you continued, and then took a long, healthy sip of water.
“Now, regarding what I have to say about you, I confess I harbour no illusions whatsoever, I do admit.”
“It maybe that you even surprise me, and better yet, that you surprise yourself, and your heart and arms will open to me and heed these words I say, but…”
“But you don’t think so, is that it?”
“C’mon, speak up, stop being such a girl”, I said impatiently.

“Very well”, you said, “but first I feel I must apologize for what I did to you yesterday. It was ill done on my part, and I humiliated you, and I hope that one day you may forgive me.”
“Fuck that”, I said. “Sticks and stones, man. Forget it.”
“Wait. All this has a plausible explanation. It does not condone the act, but it does explain why I was in such a foul mood. Do you remember last night at all?”, you asked.
“Yes”, I replied. “Through a haze, yeah, but sure, I remember.”, I said, eating another slice.
“But do you really remember?”, you insisted.
“Do you remember the person with who I was talking to?”, you asked, as if I was a five year old.
I do confess that I had to struggle a little bit…
“Remember… remember… I get these flashes… faces, voices, nothing very substantial you know? I guess I must have been pretty out of it… but I remember I was there with someone, right? And so were… you?”, I managed to say.

“So”, you said, “let’ see : yes, you were drunk, very drunk; yes, there was someone with you, and it was lousy company : an incredibly beautiful girl; and lastly”, you paused to catch your breath, then added, “yes, yes I was with your, all things considered, ex-nurse, Natalie.”
By now my head ached so bad that it was as if somebody was playing drums inside my head, and I had to put my hands to my temples so as to better assimilate what you just told me.
After a few seconds, I said, “the nurse. Yeah. Yeah. The shot. Fuck me, that was awful. Yeah, I do seem to recall.”
“So… what about it?”, I said, more than just a bit disoriented.
The promptness of your answer caught me off guard. You just said very calmly and thoughtfully the following words :
“I’ve fallen for her, William. Hard.”

In a state of shock, reeling by your confession, you add, “I don’t know what to do, man. It’s killing me, this is. Only she’s got a boyfriend, and they’re going to get married… and she’s just so gorgeous, she is, and she makes me laugh like no-one has made me laugh in the longest time, Will. And I’m so in love with her…”, you said, your eyes wet with the first of many tears to come.
“Man, there’s so many fish there in the sea…”, I said. “If you want a girl, leave it to me, we’ll go out sometime and I’ll hook you up. Or I could introduce you to this girl I met on the net, awww man, but she would go down a treat, if you catch what my meaning…”, I added, with a wink and a nudge.
But you looked at me with eyes that could curdle milk, so I stepped back.

“When was the last time you heard me say I was in love with someone, Sandor? Think hard.”
So I did. Really. Let’s see, it can’t have been that long…
Last year…
Surely not.
It’s so obvious. How the hell did I not think about this before?
You’ve been all alone for the past couple of years, mate.
“Since Sara”, I said.
“Yeah”, you admitted. “Since Sara.”
“And believe me when I tell you, please, please do believe me, there is no one on earth that knows his own feelings or his own self better than I do mine and myself, but if I tell you that I am deeply in love with Natalie… it’s because I really am.”, you finished.
We didn’t speak again for a few minutes after that, we finished eating in silence.
We drank a bit more water, and something told me that at least for now, we were done talking about you.

You get up from the table, and you go get another bottle of water from the kitchen; I insist once more on the idea of going to the supermarket, things would go down a treat if we had a brew to drink, but that look you gave me settled that.
I sat back on the sofa, zapped for a while; nothing good on the TV, no surprises there.
I was watching this video from a band whose name can not be uttered in any civilized tongue, when a strange noise coming from the kitchen woke me from semi-slumber.
So I got to the kitchen, and saw you emptying every single bottle that might even have the smallest trace of alcoholic contents in them, into the kitchen sink.
“What the fu–“, I started, but that killer look you so perfected these past hours killed the rest of the words I was going to say.
I stared impassively as the bottles were being emptied out, one by one.
After an enormity of time had elapsed, but who seemed to me as a few minutes only, such was my horror, you said, “You can go back to the living room. Yeah, I know this is your place, but I’m in charge today, ok? Sit down. I’ll be right along.”
And so I did. I went back, sat down, and waited for you to come.
You looked at me, pulled up a chair so you wouldn’t have to sit on the floor, and said nothing
Then you started to speak.

“Listen, Will. I’m going to tell you for good and all what you are to me”, you said, your voice tinged with sadness and fatigue.
“You are my best friend, the best I will ever, ever have. And you know, I think, that for someone like me… well, making friends just isn’t the easiest things in the world, in part due to that strange notion of friendship I have…”
“But more so than that, we are brothers; you are the brother I never had, and the love I feel for you – and mind what you’re going to say - , while being of a different kind, is as great and intense as that I felt for Sara.”
“I would do anything for you, man. And deep down I know you would do the same for me. Of all the things I have left in my life, I fear losing you most of all.”
“But you know that… we’ve known each other for such a long time now, been through so much together… but maybe even you never imagined what I’m about to tell you now.
“You are, or at least used to be everything I ever wanted to be.”
“In secret to myself, I looked at you, and saw the kind of person I longed to be.”
“Do you understand?”, you asked, without even giving me a chance to reply, because immediately after that, you say, “Because I’m going to ask you something, Sandor. And for the first time in along while, try to think before you speak.”
I nodded slightly in approval, maybe in a just a bit arrogant manner, as if giving you permission to address me.
“Will… what’s, when you think about it, important in your life? I mean, really important?”

I thought deep and heard about this, really I did.
I also thought if maybe I could organize everything that mattered to me in groups, then sub-groups, and making top fives of each of them.
Let’s see… what’s really important to me?
Easy.
Women. Women, in general, but if they’re pretty and/or hot, that’s always a plus.
DVD’s. CD’s. Oh, watches, my latest craze. I like very much eating at a fancy restaurant, sure. Boats and horses, too, go figure. I kinda developed a taste for that sort of stuff.
Oh yeah, clothes. I’m a sucker for a good pair of denims, and a new suit every now and then. All the latest fashion, I suppose.
Shoes, yes. After all, a man is measured by his shoes and watch, so they say.
Sneakers, Puma’s or Nike’s. Adidas’s too, but only sometimes.
What else?
Going to the football, and a concert every now and again, too.
Hmmm… going out, going on a binge, sure. And women, too, I think I still hadn’t said that.
Cars, though it’s been years since I last drove, but I’ve always fancied sports cars.
Mobile phones, that trick the devil played in all of us; a man’s worst enemy, especially when/if he’s drunk, but I love them. Ipods. Oooohhh… a plasma TV, that would rock so much…
The new Playstation, I think I want that even more than I want to get laid. Or maybe not, on second thought.
Comic books! A nice perfume. Calvin Klein underwear. An haircut that’s obscenely expensive but that looks amazing on me.
Jesus, I don’t know, there’s just so much stuff… But women, above all.

“So many different things, my friend”, I admitted.
“There’s so much stuff that it’s impossible for me to say what’s rally important to me…”
“Very well”, you said. “I will tell you a few things that matter which I’m absolutely, positively sure you didn’t think of, and I will tell you why they matter.”
“First off, you didn’t think about your family. Yeah, I know their mere presence renders you physically ill, and empty. But they do care about you, they do love you. Did you your grandma calls every day to ask me how you’ve been doing, to see if everything’s
all right with you? Asking me to watch over you?”
“Heh. By that look on your face I guess you didn’t.”
“You didn’t think about your health. Sandor, the body and mind you call your own, were given to you by God, and by no means I’m telling you how you should live your life, because ultimately it’s your decision alone.”
“But with all the shit you’ve been drinking, and man, not only will you drink anything, you seem to be drinking all the time these past months, and you drink in alarming quantities too; plus, all those girls that you’re fucking around, man, one of these days you’re bound to catch some disease, and before you know it you’ll be dying alone in a gutter, man.”
“And I know you don’t want that.”

I was going to say something, but it was as if something held my tongue captive, choking my words, and all that came out was a weird noise.
“Wait, don’t interrupt me. New question : who are your friends, Will ?”, you asked, your voice like a whip.
“Well”, I answered, nonplussed. “There are two or three guys at work, and then there’s those guys we always see when we go out at night… and you, right?”, I asked, with a certain doubt; sudden and disturbing.
You stared at me, clapped your hands, and it is truly amazing how the sound of your hands clapping sounded surreally sarcastic.
Then you said, “Wow. I am proud, no really I am, to be a part of that most noble and egregious company that includes such legendary paragons of virtue such as Gregor, the guy who pisses himself should he drink more than TWO whole beers. Or that prick Andrew, who goes around with a very small bag of flour inside, so people think it’s coke.”
“Awww, c’mon, the guy’s—“
“Shut up. And listen to me.”, the whip in your voice said.

“And finally, for however little this may matter to you nowadays, I really don’t know anymore…”
You sighed, long and deep, and for an instant you seemed on the verge of a breakdown.
“You never thought of me, did you? Me, who just told you how damn important you are to me.”
“But I didn’t say everything, now, did I? Oh no, not by a longshot. I’m going to tell you how well I know you.”
“You don’t hav—“, but the whip was in your eyes, now, and I couldn’t bear to finish that sentence.
“I know who you are. And I know what you are. I know you better than anyone does. I might even chance to say that I know you better than you do yourself. And you are not this. You are not this joke of a person I see before me. And I know that this is what you chose to be; again, it was by your choice alone. But the great thing is, you don’t have to keep on being like this, Sandor.”, you said, your voice full of worry.
“Do you remember when me and Sara broke up? How while I spent long hours commiserating, and wallowing in my own sadness, without ever thinking that maybe she was having as hard a time as I was, you went to her, and helped her find her way?
I remember, you told me something about her having found God in an elephant, or some such nonsense…”
“But Sandor, in the darkness that her life had become, in part by my own doing, you were the candle flame that flickered her back to life.”
“And when I think how you yourself were back then… things had fallen apart between you and Sophie a bit before we broke up, and that pain was showing already, but you were so much stronger than I ever was…”
“That’s the real Sandor to me.”

“And soon after that, when in the midst of my weakness, I fell down on my knees and begged her to take me back, just to hear her, and deservedly so, say that I should go fuck myself, who was it that helped me, Sandor?”
“Who lifted me from that abyss to which I fell, when I was broken in millions of tiny pieces, after, and to top things off, my parents both died?”
“You did, Sandor.”
“You were – and have been – so much to me… you’ve have always been by my side, you protected me from all the attacks I suffered, gave me all your support…”
“So now, let me do something for you in return”, you asked.

“You were such an amazing person, Will. You were really great to be with. And you must be that person once more. We’re not fifteen years old anymore, mate. I’ve seen you become just a disappointed person clinging on to bottles. No more. You must show everyone your quality again.”
“But you’ve hurt so many people already… do you know, once upon a time I felt that it was the best thing that could happen to you, and in a way I condoned that behaviour, you having an endless string of relationships that would last the week, because I thought it would maybe make you feel better about yourself, maybe it would lift your spirit in that post-Sophie phase… but that’s just the thing, it was just a phase, and it had to pass. It shouldn’t have become a way of living. You should have met someone, fallen in love, and lived happily ever after.”
“But no… you became something you are not. Who you never were.”
“I know…”, I answered dimly.

“I miss so much, so very much, just liking someone”, I said, in an even lower tone., bowing my head so you don’t see my tears.
“I feel so alone.”
On bended knee before me, with tears in your eyes, you lifted my head, and said,
“I know, Will. I know. But she’s not coming back. Sophie’s lest you along time ago. She made her choices, you made yours, and things happened, for better or for worse, because they had to happen.”
“And she is very happy now, believe me. And you aren’t, right?”, you asked me, holding my hands that shook incessantly.
“Sandor… you’re slowly killing your self… you can’t feel anything at all… you have no heart, and you drown yourself in booze just to make the says seem more bearable. Did you know that those guys you hang out with make fun of you? They call you “Predator”, they—“
This time it was me who interrupted, and said, “Is that how they see me? Like a Bloodhound?”; I asked, indignantly.
You took some seconds to answer me, but finally you said, your eyes full of melancholy,
“Oh, Sandor. Like a Bloodhound? No.”
“Like a vulture”, you said.

“You have me, my friend. And I beg you, listen for just a while more.”
“In the name of our friendship, the friendship we hold true since children, by the names that we left behind while young men, and by those we chose for ourselves later, taken from the books that so enthralled us. I beg you, for the innocence of those times, the times when we forged our bonds, and made our words, and Winter is coming, man, for you and for me.”
“For all that, I ask you to listen to what I say : you hold in your hands the power to choose what your life is going to be like from now on. On one hand, yeah, you can continue living this life that I hope you can leave behind, but you are fated to die alone, and I will not be around to see you fall even farther, I promise you that. My heart could not bear such pain.”

“On the other hand, though… leave all this behind you. Go away. Discover the world, and maybe you’ll find yourself again. You may even come to find God, who knows, stranger things have surely happened.”
“Ask yourself, ‘How far would you be to be someone else’?. Take a long, hard look at what your life has been these past few years, and you will find the answer.”
“How far would you go to be who you were again? You may travel ‘round this world, and still you may never know.”
“You may gaze upon the most beautiful of flowerings that truth will always be elusive to you.”
“But”, you said, putting your hand in my heart, “I know what lies inside. I know what used to be here, and will be again.”
“And when you know, then the Sandor so many loved and admired once will be truly back.”

“So promise me, swear to me, that you’ll not drink ever again. And whenever you feel that particular temptation, think, no, know that only water truly quenches thirst.”
“And promise me, over our friendship, that you’ll only be with a woman again when you feel real love for someone.”
“Can you do that?”, you asked, as if the world’s survival hinged on my very answer.
You said, “Think about this I’ve said. I will not see you again, not before you change. Trust me, you have not lost me, nor my friendship, but you must learn again what sacrifice means.”

You shook my hands, then hugged me tenderly.
We both dried our tears, and said “I’ll see you around.”
“Someday, for sure”, you said. “When water is your favourite thing to drink.”
And with this you left my house, your words echoing in my head, that seemed to be aching since the dawn times.
I could really go for a beer now. Halfway to the fridge, I stop and think about all that had happened, and when finally I did manage to get to the fridge, I found just a bottle of water.
I picked it up, looked at it, then took a few sips.
It’s not that bad, I thought.

“Hello”, I said to the bottle, “I’m Sandor.”

"I don't have to sell my soul
he's already in me..
I don't need to sell my soul
he's already in me...
I wanna be adored."

Stone Roses, I wanna be adored

Chapter 24 : I bet you look good on the dancefloor

Promises are always complicated and tricksy things.
It’s a double-edged sword, and you can never tell which one is the sharpest.
We all make promises to someone, sooner or later, and like as not, we will end up failing them.
The worst bit isn’t the fact that we keep on making promises, not really; it’s the kind of promises we make that make a difference.
We promise we will love someone forever, when in our heart of hearts we know that what we say is but a half-truth, at best.
We promise we’ll never leave them, we promise we’ll always be there, and time and time again we say that if things don’t work out, well, we can still be friends.
Small words, small lies, that hurt: they hurt a little bit at a time, today not so much, tomorrow just a little bit more, until the day words end up killing us, and they tell us it’s over.

And I made you a promise, Jon, and I kept it.
I did what you asked of me, and I think I am a changed man.
This year I spent away from all this was very good for me, you know?
Away from all, away from the same places, the same people, the same situations…
All those words, ideas and different arguments made me lose sight of who and what I used to be.
And today I think I’m ready once again.
I think I managed to become someone normal once more.
But there is still a great test waiting for me, and perhaps it’s better sooner than later.
If I do it later, I might lose my resolve.

I went to the bathroom, and looked in the mirror. I’m getting older, I didn’t use to have these lines in my face, or whatever you call these wrinkle thingies near my eyes.
And when I smile, more lines appear.
There are also a few more white hairs than I seemed to remember, or maybe I never noticed them.
And white hairs in my stubble, too. Curious.
I decided a shave was in order, and cut myself a number of times.
Something tells me this razor has seen better days.
I brush my teeth, maybe with excessive force, because when I spit, some blood comes out.
I shower quickly, and I’m good as new.

I get dressed, and the cold outside makes it so I wear something very warm.
No perfume tonight, I think.
I’m hungry : I go to the kitchen to see of there’s something in the fridge, but I only find scraps of Chinese I had a week ago.
I smell it, and I’m barely able to keep from throwing up.
I see what cash I have, and see I’ve got enough to eat something somewhere.
It’s still a bit early (21:40) when I leave, and on my way to the subway I decide where I’ going to eat.
It’s not a long journey, but it’s a dull one, and after a long absence, though much still seems familiar to me, there are also things I no longer recognize.

On my way to the restaurant, quite a few faces that I regarded as familiar cross my way, and I look at them, doubtfully, to try and see if I knew them from some other place.
They, too, look at me, but no word is said, no greeting given, just the cold courtesy of looking the other way when we reached the conclusion that maybe we just mistook each other for someone else.
I thought briefly about that, and wondered if those familiar strangers were people to whom I once mattered, or the other way around.
I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn’t even notice when I got to the restaurant, my feet having moved out of their own accord, slaves to other past memories.
I got in, and sat down. The waiter said hello enthusiastically, long time no see, where had I been all this time.
I said I had moved abroad.
How well he understood me, he guaranteed, for he also had done it in his youth, but like the prodigal son, we always come back.
I returned feeling like I was the son of nothing, a boundless void, the nothing that could be the whole.
I asked for a steak, over-easy, please. And some salad.
He asked me if I’d like to have the usual to drink, and I wondered how a stranger knew what I usually drank.
“Water”, I said.
“Still water”, I added dryly.

The water came before the meal did, I drank a bit, and like a child, I played with it for a while in my mouth, sloshing it this way and that.
Soon after, the meal came, and I attacked it promptly.
God, but I was hungry.
It felt like I hadn’t eaten in decades.
The steak was a bit more on the rare side than I would have liked, the salad just perfect.
I drowned the potato chips in the sauce that came with the meat.
Too soon I had finished eating, I asked for the bill, paid, and left.
The food had left me stuffed, but satisfied.
I would have gone to bed gladly, it was past midnight.
But, all things considered, it was still early, and was assailed by a desire to wander for a bit.
I went to the nearest ATM, withdrew some cash, just in case.
I walked, and I walked, and I walked a bit more.
Ok, I thought, this one’s new. And so’s this. How quickly things change.
And this one, I am positively, absolutely sure was here a year ago, but looked different, had a different name, and played a different kind of music.
This I know for sure because it was here that my life began to change.

I wandered a bit more, without aim, without soul, occasionally interrupted by a handshake that asked how I was, or a couple of kisses on my face from people who guaranteed they had missed me so.
Some guy who I think I had never seen before hugged me bear-like, and asked how things had been in Russia.
Russia?
Ok…

Well, time to get the hell out of here. There’s nothing here that attracts me still, I confess, and I can no longer see what this place had that attracted me so in the first place.
I was leaving when I get a text message from you.
You were in a bar where we used to go, once upon a time, and before I text you back, I thought long and hard on what I would do.
I sent you a message telling you I’d go and meet you.
It didn’t take me long to get there, maybe less than ten minutes.
Once more, I was so lost in my private reveries that I didn’t even notice getting there.
The bouncer is a guy with very long hair, huge earrings, and a very fine moustache that earned him the nickname of ‘Athos’, the musketeer from Alexandre Dumas’s books.
He looked at me, eyes half-closed, and said, “As I live and breathe”, he patted me on the shoulder, I shook his hand, and got in.

I find you in the upper room of the bar drinking a beer.
You had your back to me, so you didn’t see me coming.
“Boo”, I said, putting my hands on your back, and you turned white as a ghost.
You stared at me for a few seconds, as if to make sure that it was really me.
You laughed a laughter that I so dearly missed, and we hugged for long moments.

You wanted me to tell you everything, but I asked you if we could have that talk another time, please.
You agreed, ordered another beer for you, and asked me what I was going to have..
“Water. Still. Very cold, please”
You smiled, and I knew why.

“Hey, do you remember that time you were in the hospital”, you asked.
“Of course”, I replied. How could I forget.
“Well, I don’t know if you’ll remember that nurse that was there too? The one we even met in a bar some night?”, you asked, and by the excitement and emotion in your words, I start to see something.
“Of course I remember! Hah, nice way of bringing me down to earth, she had”, I said, smiling, and we both giggled like little children.
“Don’t tell me… You and her?”
I didn’t even need to finish the sentence, I already knew the answer.
“Well…”, you said. “Yeah. Yeah. Mind you, it was very complicated, even now… but it’s good. Real good, you know?”
I looked at you, and by God, I hope you didn’t notice the sorrow and the jealousy my eyes betrayed.
“I know”, I lied.

“And, huh, where is she?”, I asked candidly.
“But let me tell you, I’m not drinking anymore shots she comes up with…”, and we laughed once more.
“Nah, she’s working night shift”, you said.
“But it is her day off tomorrow, we could always hook up. What do you say?”
Before I could answer, you say, “Who knows, you might get lucky and find some girl here to keep you company. I see your charms remain intact.”
I measured your words.
What the hell kind of words to say, especially when you consider what happened over a year ago?
You don’t believe in me, is that it?
I’m disappointed in you my friend. You should know better.
But… wait.
Because this comes from you… particularly you…
I’ve got it.
“Heh”, I finally answered, “you know, the last of the famous international playboys has become the last of the famous international misanthropes.”
You smiled, with such pride in your face, and hugged me again.
“You remind me of someone I once knew. One of the best people I ever knew, bar none.”
I blushed, and said, “I’m back, Jon. But it’s still very hard. I hope I can count on you to help me. Sometimes I still feel weak, and falling seems such an easy thing to do…”
We stood in silence for a while, and after that we started talking about what had happened around here in the past year or so.
We talked about books and movies, and the music I no longer seemed to recognize.
But this one I do! ‘There is a light that never goes out’ is a classic.
“This one always hits the spot, mate”, you said, and we celebrated pain and misery as sung by Stephen Patrick Morrissey.
Good old times, I thought to myself.
After the song ended, you told me all about you and Natalie, and after that we started to talk about sadder things.
“3-1”, I said.
“At home, no less”, you added.
We drowned that sorrow, you with another beer, me with some more water.

I confess that I was getting somewhat sleepy, and so I asked if you were staying, or if you wanted to go.
You looked at your watch, saw what time it was (3:30), and suggested that we stayed until four, and then we’d go.
I agreed, and before we knew four had already come and gone, but not by much.
As we were going down the stairs that lead to the front door and exit, you took me by the arm, motioned for me to stop, and turned me to the dance floor.
“Now tell me the truth”, you said, “and look all around you.”
“Of all the girls that are her, is there any that attracts you?”
“It is a test”, I said.
“It is a test”, you repeated.

So I thought for a while, then said, “Any that I fancy?”, I wondered aloud.
“Sure, plenty of them. Maybe even all of them.”, I confirmed.
“But I got the question inside the question, Jon. And the answer is : no. There is no one here with whom I’d like to get involved.”
By now nothing could hide the joy you felt inside, and the fierce pride you felt.
“Welcome back, man. Welcome back.”
Before we leave, I had to make a pit-stop in the toilet. All that water I drank was bursting to get out.
I had to wait a number of minutes in line, but finally, finally… ah, what a relief.
I got out of the toilet, had to dodge about three thousand people, my fault, coming through, sorry, no, it really was MY fault, and so on and so forth.
I fought my way up the stairs, and saw you by the exit.
Just as we were leaving, I took one final glance at the people there, and my eyes are suddenly fixed on a girl I see in the floor below, and some part in me I never noticed I had (or at least I hadn’t recalled it for the longest time), beat fiercely, then stopped.
I imagine it all didn’t take more than five seconds, but as I saw everything in slow motion, it seemed as if it went on for hours.
In good ‘Matrix’ fashion, you know, those bits where the action slows down and the camera pans around, you put your hand in your head and do something with your hair that made me swallow, and my heart beat again.
Your voice woke me from this slumber, Jon, when you asked me if everything was ok with me.
“Yes”, I lied again, and we left.
We both got a cab, and since we were going in opposite directions, we got different cabs too.
We said goodbye, with one final hug, then you told me to give you a ring soon.
I said ok, and asked if you’d be alright.
You smiled the smile of the truly happy and replied, “I will. Will you?”
“Of course”, I lied one more time.
I got in the taxi, and wondered what the fuck was wrong with me.
It can’t have been the girl. No, never. Nothing of the sort.
I’m through with that, no more of those stories for me.
The cabbie asked where to, and I mumbled something.
I couldn’t stop thinking about her hand moving through her hair.

I’m asleep before I hit the bed.
I woke up trying to remember a dream, that wonderful dream I was having, where I felt so good, so alive… but the images, the sounds, the feelings, the memories where fleeting, fading to never return.
I sat down in the bed for some ten minutes or so, and out of nowhere, the dream comes to me.
Oh Jesus.
I did NOT dream this.
“Well, I said to myself, “that’s it. I can’t go back to that place.”

And so time went by, slowly at first, a bit painfully, but it went by.
A month, and then four more, another long two, and to guarantee that there could be no surprises, another four were in order, I decided.
It was hard, yeah, I admit. But finally I learned that greatest of virtues, Patience.
And after almost a year of barely going out of my house, and seeing the smallest amount possible of people, I decide to go out.

"No, man, sorry... not tonight, I can't", you told me when I called you.
"But go anyway, go and have fun. There's that club we always used to go, yeah? Just go, ok?", you concluded.
Ok, I can do this.
I can do this.

I got to the bar, tried to look cool, asked for a very cold water, looked around, and you were nowhere to be seen.
"Woo-hoo", I thought to myself.
I knew you wouldn't be here.
I can't even begin to describe how relieved I felt at that.
Even the water tasted better.
So i stayed until closing time, and you never showed up.
Just because of that I opted to come back again next week.

Life was good, I had a new job, one that didn't slowly kill me, and had moved to a new place.
Fact is, I was so busy that only after a few months was I able to return there.
One more, I ordered my favourite drink in the whole wide world, a bottle of spring water, just to celebrate the fact that you weren't there.
I drank it quickly enough, I was very, very thirsty, an unquenchable thirst, and I asked for another.
No water ever tasted this good.
I said hello to some people I met on my way down to the bathroom.
Oh god.
Ah, sweet relief...
I came out flashing a huge grin, and as i was making my way back to where I was I saw you.
That grin of joy turned into a grin of desperation, and I found myself just standing and staring at you.
You noticed, and smiled at me.
Argh.
What do I do what do I do what do I do?
I looked the other way, pretended you were looking at someone else, made my way up the stairs, and up to the upper floor bar.
I need another water. In fact I need... No. Water it is.
I promised you, Jon. Among other things, I promised you that much.

"I am an adult", I thought, "And I can deal with this."
"After all, how many people have I been with in the past?", I asked myself.
A tiny voice I hadn't heard for ages speaks from the my very depths, and says, "Yes, but how many like this one? Ask yourself when was the last time you thought non-stop about someone for more than a year", the Angel on my shoulder said.
The Devil on my other shoulder said, "She's just one more, why get sentimental?"
"I did NOT think about her every day", I said.
"Right", the Angel said, "the other two times were because you were worried about Snow".
"And by the way", the Angel asked slyly, "How many times did you masturbate thinking about her?"
"I never!", the Devil and I answered.
"Touché", concluded the Angel, disappearing with the Devil.

What to do, I thought.
Suddenly I knew.
I went down the stairs, and made my way to you.
I paused for a few seconds to gather my resolve, and looked at you.
"Right", I decided, "It's now."

"I'm so sorry", I said.
"Only... you sometimes do that great thing with your hair, you know, just like you did right now? And that drives me crazy... and I don't even know your name", I said.
You looked at me, and you smiled like an angel fallen from grace. You said, "Marcia. My name is Marcia."
For some reason you laughed, and I laughed with you.

And your name is Marcia.


"From the back of the room I saw her there
I said she wants to be alone, and I shouldn't dare
but then she noticed me glance at her
I had no choice but to dance with her."

She Wants Revenge, Out of control

Chapter 23 : Heaven knows i'm miserable now

Sandor smiled.
And it wasn’t just any smile, it was one full of mischief and malice.
The kind if smile that always makes me worry about this guy, but I suppose, one that is justified when you consider the goddess in his arms.
Before I even got to where he was inside the club, one of those of the very fashion and very full of beautiful people kind, the girl let go of his lips for a few moments and joined a group of similar girls.

“Where did you find the Barbie?”, I asked, shaking your hand vigorously.
“Can you imagine”, you said, nursing a Gin Tonic, “I was just here on my own, you know, doing nothing, and she comes up to me? The rest, my friend, as they say is history”, you concluded, with a wink.
“Right”, I thought.
“And what is the poor creature’s name?”
I confess that I was surprised by your reaction. You seemed genuinely puzzled.
“Name?”, you asked. “What is this thing you speak of, ‘name’?”, you replied with a smile worthy of a shark.
“But if you want her number… that, I can tell you!”
I know it’s not funny at all, but we laughed.
I ordered a vodka with raspberry juice. It’s a bit gay, yes, but I like it.

“Look, I’m going to the toilet, yeah? Got some urgent business to take care of in the office.”, you said.
I nodded slightly in approval, and let the dull, hypnotic music flow through my body.
“Man”, you said as you returned, “Look behind me, by that pillar on the left, and see if you can’t find someone familiar.”
“No, man, the other left”, you insisted, patting my head.

So I looked, and looked, and looked. Nope, definitely nobody familiar.
Suddenly eyes fix into mine, a face smiles , and a voice says, “Snow”.
Holy shit, it’s the nurse and she’s coming over!
“Oh oh, look’s like you’re in for a treat”, you said. “You, ah, you have fun, I still have some more unfinished business to take care of”, you said, holding your stomach, your face in visible pain.

“Snow!”, the voice said again, the voice that came from the face that kissed mine twice, and left breathless.
“Isn’t this a coincidence! So, what are you doing here?”
Oh God, that green dress. Oh me oh my.
“Hum..”
“Er…”, I answered.
“Wait, don’t tell me! I’ve got it! Not only do you have a cat, but you’re out of work, too. Am I right?”, you laughed.
“Yeah. But… What?”, I answered without any sort of conviction in my voice.
“Yes, because since you don’t have money to get food for your cat, you obviously cut out your tongue and fed it to him!”, you continued.
You put one hand in my shoulder and laughed a bit more.
And so did I.

“No, I’m, huh, with my friend, you know the one from the hospital?, we’re just here for a drink.”
“What friend? That guy who thought he was God’s gift to women?”
“Yes. William, that’s the one.”, I admitted.
We laughed again, and by now Will was on his way, looking visibly relieved.
“Ms. Nurse!”, he yelled, “Are you here to give that massage you promised me?”
You looked at him, smiled, and said, “No, that was my colleague, the one you so kindly called ‘a dog’. The poor girl, she’s still waiting for you.”
“Tell you what, fair’s fair, I’ll buy you a shot, ok?”
Oh man, the way you smiled when you said that foretold doom..

“A shot?”, William asked, “And why not?”
“See now, this is a very special shot, you know… and you have to drink it in a very special way too”, you said, innocently.
“I wonder if you are man enough to drink it…”, you pursued, with the most naïve voice you could muster.
Oh, you are very good. You know just what buttons to push.
I am in the presence of a master.
“Hell yeah, I am!”, he roared. “I’ll drink as many you’d like me to”, he finished, beaming with pride.
“Great”, you answered, your eyes twinkling.

You called the bartender, and asked for the ingredients.
A shot of Bailey’s, and a slice of lemon, just that.
“Stud”, you said, “I want you to drink the shot, and leave it inside your mouth. Then you squeeze the lemon’s juice, mix it all, and then drink it.”
“Can you do that?”, you purred.
“Done”, William said, smiling.

You drank the shot as per requested, squeezed the juice in, and mixed it all.
Then you swallowed.
The final expression in your face was priceless, and something I’ll always remember.
I’ve never before seen someone go from arrogance to humility so quickly.
The lemon juice soured the milk in the Bailey’s, and when you swallowed, it was as if you were swallowing poison.
“The fuck is this?”, he asked, demanding an answer.
You smiled that devilish smile again, and answered softly, “Just a little something I like to call ‘The blowjob revenge’.”
While he stared at you in disbelief, you pulled me aside, and off we were.

“That was evil”, I said.
“It was”, you said, “But he deserved it.”
“He deserved it”, I agreed.
I found myself laughing once more.
Damn, this girls makes me laugh, like no one ever did before.
And that is good.

“Snow, Snow…”, you said.
“And what would your first name be?”, you asked.
“Er… name?”, I said, a bit embarrassed.
“Yes!”, you answered enthusiastically.
“You know, one of those word-type things people usually call us by? Hey ca even have just the one letter, if you’re so inclined, or maybe dozens of them if you have crazy parents?”
“Oh yeah! And there are those who, much like yourself, like to be called by their last name. Or even by a title, or degree.”
“Are you one of those? Is it just ‘Snow’? Or ‘Lord Snow’?”, you said, my desperation rising.
“My name…”, I repeated.
“Yes?”, you asked.
“ My name… is… argh. Er… Hum…”
“Wow! And here I thought that ‘Humhumer’ was bizarre!”
“You truly are full of surprises, Snow. Or should I call you ‘Argherhum’?”
“Jon”, I answered, my voice barely audible.
“My name’s Jon.”, I admitted.
“See?”, you said, “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”
Again you put your hand on my shoulder, For sure you must have felt me tremble.

“I’m Natalie, Jon Snow.”
“I take great delight in finally making you acquaintance.”

"Natalie... that's a beautiful name , that is."

"Please", you said, "if only you knew my last name... you would die laughing , I'd wager."

"No i wouldn't", I said promptly.
"I promise."
"Cross your heart and hope to die?", you said.
"Stick a needle in my thigh", I added.
"Ok, then. Get ready."

You put your lips on my ear, sending shivers down my spine, and whispered a single word.
After I was done shivering, i got the urge to laugh.
Don't do it don't do it don't do it.
All I could think of was how awful it would be if I laughed during a wake.
Think of something else, think of something else, think of something else.

"Natalie... Wide.", I said.
"Hmm-hmm", you confirmed.
"That, huh, that reminds me of, humm..."
Before I could even finish my sentence, your hand was slapping my face.
I didn't even see your hand moving, and it sounded like thunder during Judgement Day.

"I'm sorry", you said.
"No", I immediately answered, all the laughter I had inside suddenly gone.
"No, I deserved that."
"Slap me again. Hit me two more time. Hit me as many times as you want to. I deserve it. And I don't even know why I did that."
"No, actually, I do. I wanted to laugh so bad, and I just said the first thing that came to my head. Maybe next time I'll learn to think before I speak, right?"

"So, I fucked up already tonight, and I'd better go, ok?", I said.
"No, don't worry, You don't have to go. I probably just didn't react the right way. Besides, you can keep me company until my boyfriend gets here."

Boyfriend?
“Boyfriend”, I asked.
“Oh yes”, you said, “and soon something more”, you added, and looked at your left hand, where you had a shiny and impressive and above all shiny ring that was waving me goodbye.
Of course, I only noticed it just now.
Maybe, I thought, it could be just for show.
Did I mention how shiny it was?

I took a cursory glance around the bar and saw Will drunk as hell, sitting on a sofa, and that, I thought, was my opportunity.
“Look, I, huh, I’d really better get going. William over there”, I pointed, “is very nearly dead drunk, and I fear if no-one takes him home, he will actually die for real.”, I said hurriedly.
“Your friend. Right”, you said doubtfully.
“But he seemed to be in such good company”, you said, gesturing with your eyes to where he had been with the Barbie girl.
“Yeah, well, but he’s not”, I said, some anger in my voice.
But never at you. Anger at me, just me.
“And now, I’d really better be going”, I said.

You looked at me, and for a fraction of a second I thought I had seen sadness in your eyes.
“Ok”, you said.
“Suit yourself. But at least keep my mobile number. If you ever need someone to talk to, or if you want to hear a friendly word, you know what to do.”, you concluded, coldly.

I wrote down your number and said, “As soon as I get out of this place I’ll give you a ring. I don’t have network coverage here, and I don’t know my own number. Got a new one, see?”
“You promise?”
“I promise”
“I hope that promise yields better results than the last promise you made me, Jon Snow. I guess I’ll see you around”, you said with one last laugh.

I strode furiously up to the bar, where Will was ordering his God-knows-how-many drink of the night.
“Let’s go”, I said.
“What? But we just got here, let’s have some more fun.”, Will replied.
I didn’t repeat my request.
I pulled him by an ear, and we got out of the bar.
A small comfort at least, knowing that I will not be the only one who’s going to have a miserable night tonight.


"Set me aflame and cast me free
away you wretched world of tethers
through the endless night and day
i have never wanted more."

VNV Nation, Solitude

Chapter 22 : Summer dying fast

Summer is dying, you told me so long ago.
And it had been a hot, long summer. We could feel it in our very bones the waning of summer, and the coming fall, one that promised to be short, so tragically short.
We were lying in bed listening to the wind outside, a wind that howled with the voice of a thousand melancholic wolves.
The branches of the trees beat lightly on the windowpanes, and the leaves wept savagely.
Ghost-like noises prowled the streets, as if mighty armies were clashing in a storm of swords, dragons dancing under the great silver eye.

“Even the man who is pure in heart
and speaks in prayer by night
may become a wolf when the wolfsbane blooms
and the winter moon is bright”

You laughed your most evil laugh, one that would have been so much more impressive had you not used Donald Duck’s Voice.
We laughed, and kissed. Then we fell asleep, our bodies entwined like veins.
Outside, the first winds of winter blew.

Days later, we were playing our little seduction games, and you just didn’t want to give in.
You played with me, teased this, suggested that, but when I came closer, you always drew back.
Nothing I said seemed to work, and however sweet my words were, they were simply not enough.
“You must beg me”, you said, playfully, your voice full of pernicious desire.
“Beg?”, I laughed.
“Beg, little one?”, I repeated. “I do not beg. I take.”
You laughed with a laughter that took hold of your whole body.
“I will tell you a story”, I said.

“My oldest known ancestor took an active part on the conquest of this country. One day, and after he was awarded lands and title by the King, an enormous wolf invaded his lands, and devoured the village whole, his family included.”
“Because he had been away on a hunt, he avoided the carnage. But on his way home, he saw the sun setting in a bloody hue, and the giant shadow of a wolf covered the mountains.”, I said, sneaking up to you.
“When he got to the village, he beheld the massacre : everyone he had sworn to defend, the villagers, men, women, children and elderly alike; none escaped alive.”
“Their bare bones were their earthy legacy.”

“He unsheathed his great sword from his back, and entered his home. Nothing could have prepared him for what he knew had happened.”, another srep, and I am closer to you.

“Aaaaaa-ooooooo”, I howled, and you jumped with dread.

“The wolf beckoned for him. A single wolf, howling his challenge for all creation to hear.”
“He fought the tears away, got out of the slaughterhouse his home had become, sword in hand and went to meet his nemesis.”
“When he finally did see the wolf, he saw that he was grotesquely huge from his banquet. In fact, the wolf could barely move at all.”
“So he thought, this is going to be easy.” He thought, “Soon I will weep for the departed.”

“Snake-like, he slithered up to the wolf”, I whispered.

“When he was halfway to the wolf, though, he opened his eyes, two enormous circles that seemed as suns by the pale moonlight, and right away the wolf assumed a battle stance.”
I got down on all fours to better illustrate.
“The mighty howling of that great beast would have been enough to make a coward out of the greatest hero, but my kinsman’s cause was a just one, and he did not falter.”

“Little lamb”, the wolf howled in a guttural voice, borne from the very depths of hell, “Do not think that I have eaten too much”, he said, licking his bloody snout.
“There’s always room for a small morsel”, and, just as he was done talking, attacked, an attack so swift and fierce that his small adversary lost his shield wielding arm.”
“In shock, my kin of old was blinded by rage, that bloodlust seen in battlefields, and attacked the wolf with all his might.”

I paused for a few seconds for dramatic effect.

“And then”, you asked, curious as a cat.
“To no avail. For every blow he landed on the beast, he got three in return. Soon after he lay limbless on the floor.”
“The great wolf looked down at him, his eyes hungry.”, just as I am looking at you, and said, “Little lamb, soon your life will ebb. Though you are a brave little lamb, and you deserve to be a wolf.”, he said, as he swallowed him in one go.

“Soon this tale reached the court, and all cried for his death; he was a veteran of hundreds of battles, a hero so some, a God to many.”
“And this would have been the end of the story.

I paused again for a few moments.
I let silence creep in, until it became unbearable, and forced you to speak.
“Go on”, you asked, anxiety in your voice.
“It is of note, little girl, that some months later my kinsman did appear in court, before the King, shrouded in a great wolf’s skin, his winter pelt.”
“He was a changed man. His eyes, like molten gold. His teeth sharper, longer, like fangs. His face had acquired a… a lupine look.”
“For you see, he had been reborn inside the great wolf’s womb, and came back to this world as snow. And that is where our name comes from, and why we say our words.”
“You see, I am of the blood of the wolf, and the blood of the wolf, does not ask, it takes.”
“Little lamb”, I said, a wolfish smile playing on my lips.

I didn’t even see you coming, but you jumped at me, wolf-like, and pinned me to the floor.
“Liar”, you said. “That story is such bullshit!”
You kissed me for long, long seconds, it was as if you sought to suck the air out of my lungs.
“Maybe”, I said, with an enigmatic smile.
I rolled over you, and you looked at me from the floor.

“Summer is dying”, you said.
“Yes”, I agreed. “And you know what that means.”
It wasn’t a question.
But when was that? Yesterday?
So long ago. Years ago.

Now, as then, as in the last time I was with you, I kneel before a tree, and I pray.
I pray for me and for you.
Made-up prayers, directed not to one God, but to all, to He who is many, to the God in nature, in the nature of the world, and in the nature of people.
I pray to the full moon rising, and to the God in the tree.

It’s not very cold now, or maybe I just don’t feel it anymore.
I pull up my jacket’s hood to shelter me from the falling snow, and turn my back to the tree.
The wind sings in the trees, and carries a melody that is so well known to my ears.
All around me the cypress trees whisper those words that we both know of old, my love.

“Winter is coming”, they sing.

"What does it take to turn you on,
now he has gone?
now you're over 21?
now your animal's gone?
Animal, he was animal, an animal."

Suede, Animal Nitrate

Chapter 21 : Tribulations

I was lying in my bed, reading.
I had reached that point where words started to lose meaning, and the words mingled with each other freely.
It’s not that it was that late, it was only a bit past one in the morning.
Decisions, decisions.
Should I read just a bit more, or should I go to sleep?
Before I can decide, my cell rings. I don’t even have to look to know who it is.
The modern miracle of assigning a ring tone to a contact, I suppose.

“Hi”, I said, tenderly.
“No, I was still awake…”
“Are you alright?
“You’re crying, aren’t you? What happened?”
“Oh little girl…”
“Oh little girl…”
“Where are you?”
“Where?”
“Ok, just hold on, give me a few minutes. I’ll be there as soon as I can”
“Yes, I’m coming to meet you.”
“Hold tight.”
I got out of bed, looked myself in the mirror (just a bit crumpled, but what the hell), smelled myself (deodorant’s always a plus), got dressed, left home and caught a cab.

When I got there, I looked for you but couldn’t find you.
Bugger bugger bugger, I thought. Has she left?
No.
In a corner, and in tears : there you were.
I came nearer, sat in front of you, and you looked at me through eyes that welled with tears.
For a minute there, it almost looked like you didn’t know me at all, but then you held me, and got just a bit calmer.
A girl came by and asked us what we wanted to drink. A coke, no ice, for me.
“And for the lady?”, she asked.
“The lady will have absolutely nothing”, I answered before you had a chance to say something, “In fact, the only thing she’s going to have is a bottle of sparkling water, if you please.”
“And by the way, what has she had to drink?”, I asked, out of curiosity.
“Sir… it’s not like I keep tabs on what everyone drinks around here, but I guess not much. Maybe just seven or eight shots of vodka.”, she concluded, looking at me as if I were a cockroach. “And a few more beers.”

Shots? Shots.
Right.

“Please”, I said, “There is something that I just don’t understand, just call me crazy…”, I continued.
This girl’s attitude was getting on my nerves.
“But if you saw that this person was obviously in no way fit to drink, then why the hell did you keep on serving?”
“But, as I say, just call me crazy.”
She looked at me, out her hands on her hips, inched her head towards mine with an insolent smile, and said, “Hey, people pay for what they ask, and we serve them. They don’t like the way they’re treated? Tough, them’ the breaks. Go somewhere else.”, she said, turning her back on me.

I didn’t even bother waiting for that coke, I just took a hold of you and we left.
You could barely stand, so you leaned on me for support.
“Do you want to tell me what happened?”, I asked.
You looked at me, and I imagine you must have seen quite a few ‘me’s’.
Then you answered, “The bastard, man, the fucking bastard. You don’t know… you don’t even… motherfucking bastard. That… that.. that… thing. Tip of my tongue. Begins with an ‘S’. Rhymes with ‘pucker’, ‘s in the tip of my tongue”
“Fucker?”, I provided-
“Yes. Yes! Yes, that’s it, fucker. But not you. No no. Never you. You know that, right? Tell me you do…”
“I know”, I smiled.
“That dog, man… that fucking dog of a motherfucker… I was getting home from work. I was so tired. So tired. And there the guy was fucking some slut in my bed.”
”Motherfucking men. You lot are absolutely worthless. You make me sick.”
“We suck”, I agreed.
“I don’t like us very much, myself.”
You held me fast in your arms, and cried even more.
I felt you had no strength left, so I took you to a nearby bench so we could sit down.

“Relax”, I said, “Now I’m here.”
“You’re here”, you repeated, drunken desire in your eyes.
Your lips drew near to mine.
“I’m here…”, I said again, “… but not for this, ok?”
I left you in the bench, hailed a cab, and as soon as he got near, I got you in.
“I’m gonna take you home, ok? But you’ll have to tell me your address so I can tell the cabbie, ok?”
You mumbled your address, and I repeated it to the taxi driver.
I closed the door to the cab, and you leaned your head in my shoulders, while you drifted off to blissful sleep, mumbling incoherent words about something.
I thought I heard you saying something about some kind of “instruction”, but I didn’t quite get it.

I closed my eyes too, and before I knew it the driver was announcing our imminent arrival.
I paid the fare, and helped out of the car. Slowly, real slowly.
You were knackered, so much so that you couldn’t even tell me where exactly did you live.
I bit my lips, and searched your purse for a clue.
Between various sets of keys (why?), multiple wallets in all shapes and sizes, pills, assorted feminine things, and further creatures that live in that small ecosystem that is a woman’s purse, I managed to find a card with your address.

Groovy, fifth floor with no elevator. And the light goes out like, every ten seconds or so.
We were almost at your door when I notice a trickle of blood in your legs.
Did we bump into something? Could it be that you had cut yourself in the cab’s door? Or in one of the steps?
Or…
Ah.
Ok.
Oh God.

I laid you down in the sofa in your dining room, and went to your room to look for some pyjamas.
I got back, and undressed you.
Oh, nice choice for underwear, I’ve always had a soft spot for the PowerPuff Girls.
Too bad that they were acquiring a reddish tint.
Oh fuck, what do I do now? A cursory glance left me reeling.
What do I do? I felt so lost that I had absolutely no idea what to do.
Ok, that’s it, take a deep breath.
I know what to do.

So to the pyjamas I added some new underwear, one that said in the front “Kiss me”, and in the back, “Here”.
I filled a kettle with water, and got a sponge and a couple of towels so I could wash you and then get you dried.
I suppose there is an easier way to do all this, but if there is, then I just can’t see it.
And of all the scenarios I had running through my mind, this was the least complicated. There was only one thing missing.

But where would I find it?
I went to the bathroom, a perfectly acceptable place to search, but it was no good.
Ah-ha, bedroom.
But if they’re there, I can’t find them.
Think think think think.
Eureka!
The purse! Of course, the purse!
I grabbed the purse and I drew closer to you.
I took the bloody horror that was between your legs, (the smell, God, the smell. How do you handle this?), wiped you with the sponge and a towel, and dried you with the other.
A small river of blood was still flowing, though.

It’s now or never, I thought.
So I got the… whatever you call this thing, and as I was about to put it on you, I was assailed with doubt.

A) Where do I put this?
B) In her panties?
C) Or in, you know, the…place?
D) And what the hell are these things on the side for?

So I decided for a healthy compromise between choices A and B.
I pulled up her panties, beaming with a certain pride of a job well done.
Well, kind of.
It seemed to be slightly askew.
I patted it a bit to see if it got better, after a few seconds, it seemed normal.
Well, according to my definition of normal, of course.

I put on the rest of the pyjamas on you, and stared at you, sleeping, without being aware of this giant leap for Men.
You truly are beautiful, and you deserve to hear it every single day.
I held your white hands, warm still, and thought “What if…”, but that was a road best left alone.
I carried you in my arms to your bed, laid you in it, and covered you with the duvet. It was a cold night.
I kissed you lightly on your forehead, turned out the light, and got out of the room.

I cleaned up all the mess that remained, and then had a drink of water.
I sat down on the sofa, so tired.
Just for five minutes, I thought to myself, then I’ll be on my way.
I also wondered if it would have been easier or not had I used a tampon, but that is something that only quantum physics can explain.
And what the hell were those wing things on the side for, anyway?
I fell asleep.

I woke up with you sitting in front of me, looking at me.
We said nothing for a number of minutes.
Then you said, “Thank you.”
“Wait.”, you said, “Let me talk. Let me say everything I have to say.”
“Thank you. I mean it. For everything you did for me yesterday.”
“For coming to me. For putting up with my drunken shit. For bringing me home. For taking care of me.”
You smiled.
“Even my… intimate issue. You did it all the wrong way around, but you kept it from being worse.”
You smiled even more, and I blushed.
I imagine that I would be envy of many award-winning tomatoes.

“I didn’t… ah, I didn’t…”, I stuttered. “I didn’t touch…”
“You touched what you had to touch, silly. You did what you had to do, and I’m grateful for that.”
You came a bit closer and kissed me on my cheek.

“And now I must also apologise”, you said, and this time it was you who blushed.
“I’m so ashamed of myself… I’m sorry for everything I said… I know I dais stuff that was mean and cruel. But that doesn’t make them any less true.”
“I’m sorry I put you through all this. But in a way, it was good; it was good that it was you, and not somebody else.”
”I guess I might have suggested something last night, and I apologize for that. Had it been someone else, then…”, you paused, wiping a single perfect tear.
“I’m glad it was you.”

If it is at all possible, I blushed even redder, bright bright red.
You held me, and I fell in your arms for what seemed like long hours.
You told me all that had happened, how it hadn’t been the first time, how he always promised that it would be the last time.
You confessed you now feared having to face life all by yourself, and I assured you that you’d never see the end of the road while you travelled with me.
I would always be there for you.
We said many things to each other, and after a few hours, we even managed to laugh.

I looked at you, you were watching the TV, and smiling at something funny.
There was so much that I still wanted to say to you.
But that’s what time’s for, and time, as the song says, is on our side.

"If you begin to fall
Please have some more
You could stay at my place if you want to
I'll sleep on the floor..."

Tiamat, Teonanacatl

Chapter 20 : Hold me

I haven't been able to sleep more than two/three hours a night for the past few weeks.
I either get to bed, immediately fall asleep and wake a few hours later, or i spend eternities counting the cracks in the ceiling.
Four hundred and thirty six, as of yesterday.
One day i'm going to wake up with a piece of ceiling in my mouth.

I don't know if this is due to lack of sleep, or malnourishment, but this guy's voice, in a kind of monotone monologue, and when i say "monotone" read rather dull and with one single tone, really pisses me off.
The guy just won't shut up.
But by the end of the session he prescribes me some meds to take : Diazepam, Fluoxetin, Lorenin. The usual suspects.

I get home well before seven, fix some tea to wash down the pills, some crackers just because, and i sit in front of the tv, watching a commercial that claims that five minutes a day for two weeks doing the exercise they show will give me abs like Schwarzenegger.
I thought of another sort of exercise that would yield me far better and pleasurable results, but that involves something that as of late happens to other guys : women.

I rubbed an eye, and for a few seconds i swear that the rabbit from Alice in Wonderland was looking straight at me.
Only... hold on, wait a minute... what's that you're saying? Did i see Santa Claus? And the clown? You mean they had agreed to go together by train to the circus?
And they are all terribly drunk? Drinking what??
I felt someone pulling me, and there was Alice, a wide smile, small teeth covered with metal, giving me a bottle of something to drink.
It was a bottle of a kind of juice i had not seen since i was six, and under the bottle cap, yes! i found the Spider-Man sticker i never got as a child.

I woke up.
Fuck, what a weird dream.
I sat back in the bed, sleepy, but the smell of something being cooked woke me a bit more. I was surprised at how hungry i was.
I rolled myself in one of the sheets, went to the kitchen and there you were, stark naked, making breakfast.
"Hello, love!", you said, "Let me finish cooking these eggs, then i'll give you a kiss, ok?"
"Huh... hi?", i added sneakily. How would i tell the poor girl that evidently she had gotten the wrong floor? But there's something so familiar about her, i just can't put my finger quite in it...
The promised kiss came, and that was enough to turn me on.
She went back to the kitchen, made breakfast for us (an egg, two sausages, and a glass of skimmed milk), but before you even finished it, mine was long gone, such was my hunger.
You sat i the table, next to me, and drank some more milk. You ask me if i had slept well.
It took me a while to answer, i was sorting out what to say.
Finally i said, "I suppose. But listen, there is something i must tell you."
When i was just about to say that you were in the wrong place, you opened up your mouth, revealing horrible, sharp teeth that would make any jurassic predator proud.
Then you smiled a smile that enormous white creatures that dwell in the oceans would smile, the kind of creatures that when you see their fin coming our way, we know it's already too late, and said:
"But you told me you loved me!"


I woke up.
What the hell? I'm either very sweaty or... No, relax, get a grip. It's just sweat, and a shower will take care of that.
A nice, long and hot shower later, and i will be good as new.
What crazy dreams, these. It's gotta be the pills, i'll never take them again.
I wash my head with a wild fury, as if my very hair was to blame for all this weird shit.
As a rule, i wash my teeth as i am showering, and while i was doing so i notice a loose tooth.
So first thing after i shower, i gotta go to the dentist to get this fixed.

I finish washing my teeth, rinse them with water and a blue liquid that stings like hell, and out of morbid curiosity, i touch the tooth.
It wiggles a bit, but nothing to fuss about.
But i continue touching the tooth, and it wiggles a bit more.
So by now it's more than just a bit loose.
Ok, i thought, maybe one last poke before i leave and hit the dentist.
This is the last one, i can stop anytime i want to.

I remembered the movie "The Fly", where in the mutation phase, the guy's body started to fall apart.
I cancelled that last poke, got dressed, and got out.
It was still early, and as such still a bit cold outside.
This is to say that maybe i should have worn something a bit warmer, but because i am too damn proud to go back, i endured the morning chill.
I went to the newstand, checked what the sports papers had to say. Weekend results, mostly.
I grabbed something to eat in a nearby caffé (because dreaming of food makes you hungry), and i ordered from a waitress i had never seen before, a piece of toast and some coffee.
Now, where had i seen this girl before?

Minutes later, the waitress brought my order, the toast and coffee, and i immediately set to.
Damn, i've seen that face before...
She brought me the bill soon afterwards, and smiled the most beautiful smile i had ever seen, her mouth shiny with metallic braces.
I tried to smile in return, and when i open my mouth, my dangling tooth falls right in the middle of us.

I woke up.
And this time, i slapped myself silly and pinched myself a number of times.
Right, everything seems to be in their right place, no tooth is loose.
It doesn't smell like food, therefore no-one is cooking.
Ok, back to normal.
I got up to eat some real breakfast, some kind of corn flakes or the other.
Crunch crunch, delicious crunch.
I went back to bed, i figured i should catch up on my reading.
So much to read, and i had no idea where to start.
There was much to choose from, but in the end i narrowed it down to three choices : 'Talon of the Silver Hawk', by Raymond E. Feist; 'A game of thrones', by George R.R. Martin, or 'Through the looking glass', by Lewis Carroll.
All books i had read many times before, of course.

So i studied the covers in great detail, and when i thought my decision had been made, Alice started to talk to me from the cover of 'Through the looking glass'.
"Pick me", said Alice.
"For only i will be ever loyal and true. You know that, my sweet prince."
"I love you", she concluded.

I woke up.
Goddamn, this joke isn't funny anymore.
How do i know that this time it's for real?
I smelled myself.
Sheesh, if i'm not awake, then i'm probably dead.
So i took the nth shower of the day, showered under the hottest water; no dream could cause so much physical pain.
I got out, dried myself, and i was feeling good.
My stomach rumbled with hunger. So breakfast it is.
In the kitchen i felt a familiar odour, that i immediately recognized as that of my perfume.
Did i use it yesterday? Maybe.
I sat down, had some orange juice and a cheese and ham toast.
Ah, molten cheese and salty ham dancing in my mouth... I closed my eyes for a few seconds to savour this small slice of heaven.

"Daddy!", a girl's voice cried from behind me.
"Daddy!", she repeated, and came up to me.
I looked at her not knowing who she was, knowing who she could be.
"Hold me", you asked.
"Come here", i said, "Where is your, er..., where is your mother?"
You looked at me, the daughter i never had, with so, so much sorrow in your little eyes and answered,
"Oh daddy, don't be silly."
"You know very well that mommy died shortly after i was born."
You kissed my face, a kiss that i so longed for, a kiss i have always wanted, a kiss i missed so much...
"I know, i know", i said, crying in your arms.
"But now you're here, right next to me, father. And i will never leave you. Whenever you need me, i will always be here."
"I know", i repeated.

We held each other for long hours, until all tears had disappeared.
"I know what i have to do now", i said.
"Yes, you do.", you agreed.
"I should very much like if you didn't forget me, father."
"Never", i promised.
"When you wake, i will be but the ghost of a memory, a splinter of a dream from which we never should have woken up from, but to which we can't belong to, father."

You came to me, held me in your little arms, and i swear, when your hand touched my heart, it beat with the pulse of all life in creation.
You kissed me, and said, "I love you."
"Now : wake."

I woke up.

"And then, fighting to stay asleep, wishing that it would go on forever, sure that once the dream was over, it would never come back... you woke up."

Neil Gaiman, Sandman

Chapter 19 : Why does it always rain on me?

Well, truth is i owed you. I was in your debt. But you know that, right?
Maybe you don't.
But a few years ago, you came through for me, and you were there when no one else was.
I was so weak, so defeated, back then, and when you saw me on the floor, when you saw me hit rock bottom, i don't know it it was pity or any other reason that drove you, but when you gave me your hand i felt awakened to life again.

And that is why i do this for you, this thing that i so very much hate doing, this huge sacrifice : I went to visit you at the hospital.
You know me. I don't go to hospitals. Since my childhood that i avoid going to those places; who knows what they might think of me and commit me to the nuthouse.
Still, only after two days of telling myself that i could do it, i was able to go.

And, of course, it took me ages and ages to find the room you were in.
I passed by a place where i swear they were burning human beings, then i passed by another place full of women, some of which looked very relieved, most just looked like they could murder people, cradling little children in their arms... Ah, now i see why.
I knew then that i had wandered too far, and i decided to ask directions from a very nice - in all sorts of ways - nurse that was coming my way, and she assured me it was my lucky day because she herself was heading to the very place i was looking for.
I swear, i was getting dizzy with the smell of chloroform and other such substances, that i didn't even notice when we got to your room.

"William", i called, with great enthusiasm.
Then i took a better look at you and all that enthusiasm faded away quickly.
"Wow. Look at you. You're all... you're all beat up, man. What the hell happened to you? You got hit by a train?", i asked.
"Or did you make fun of Thor again?"
Thor is an absurdly gigantic, barrel-chested Skinhead, who looked like he was chiselled from stone.
He also had the effect of immediately lowering the IQ of anywhere he was.

"Oh man,", you said, with a small laugh.
"You can't even imagine... That was some day, that was. First, i pulled a Richard Ashcroft, and didn't bother to get out of anyone's way on the street, so i ended up getting bumped into quite a bit.",
"Then i mistook someone i know for some other guy, and i won't even tell you how that went. Let's see... ah, i forgot to feed the bird for a few days... died. Oh yeah, and a pigeon managed to see a bullseye in my forehead."
"What else? I met with this girl i know, she's such a terrible bore, but a good lay. Anyway, i thought that i had her, and we were on our way to her car, so yeah, i thought the least i would get was maybe a blowjob."
"And?", i asked.
"Argh...", you replied, shrugging.
"She just left me standing there and drove away."
"Ah-ha", i said, "Let me guess : you got so mad at everything, and particularly at yourself that you just kicked the hell out of you, right?", i asked, sarcasm heavy on my voice.
"Nah", you replied, "That was the three guys that mugged me. Yeah, i was a bit pissed off, and at first there was just the one guy."
"Oh-ho!", i thought, "A punching bag. But after i landed some on him, the other two took me from behind, however bad that sounds..."
"One of them had a knife, and was about to stick into me, only i rolled and managed to dodge it, so i only got a glancing cut. Enough to leave with a nice, manly scar.", you concluded.

Oh, this is so... so tipically you. You never learn do you? Let's see.
"What now?", i asked. "Did you manage to learn something from this?"
You were silent for a while. Then you said, "Yeah. Yeah, i think i did."
"You see, all this? It gives me a new perspective on life. And i do know how i have been living ny life, like every day could be my last here. And now...", you paused, and reflected for a few moments more.
"It's not like i'm just going to start doing everything the other way around, or starting to live my life like every day is a new day. I know myself too well to know i won't be able to do that."
"But there is so much that is going to have to change. I don't know, man... for instance, that thing of calling girls by numbers instead of their names? Over."
"I got to come clean, man. I'm not sure if i've been that good a person these past few years, and i see this as another chance that is being given to me. And i don't know if i deserve this."
"So many people day every single day... I don't know. I just don't. You know?"

I know. I know.
Humm...
Actually, no, i don't, i don't.

"Listen, my friend,", i said, "Would that things were as linear as you ot them. I always followed that school of thought that states that we make our own fate. So i don't know about a 'second chance'. I've never been there. But what counts is that you're here, and questions such as 'what if?' just can't be allowed to come into the equation."
"If it brings you any measure of comfort to think that indeed you are being given a bew opportunity, then by all means, do."
"But don't you ever doubt that you deserve it, because..."
"Wait!", you interrupted.
"This is all very nice and pretty, and my heart does weep, but i am in pain here, so let me call the nurse, ok?"
You pressed a button, and a minute or so later the same nurse that had le me here comes in.
"Oh boy!", you whooped. "This one must be new here, the one i had before was such a dog", you said, in a hush.

The nurse, (who is really really really good looking, and who has so much beautiful metal in her mouth), asked what ailed you, checked your clinical record, and stood waiting for an answer.
Obviously, you had to go and say something utterly moronic, a thinly veiled suggestion of something in the way of a maasage, maybe, who knows?
She just looked at you playfully, and laughed as you were some senile senior citizen.
From now on, and trust me, you are not getting away with it, i will henceforth call you "Brilliant Turtle", the old pervert from the Dragon Ball cartoon.
She then said, "How cute."
"Mister... William? Is that really your name?", she laughed.
"Call me Sandor.", you said.
"Sandor? Sandor, Sandor... like the referee?", she asked.

Hot damn. Pretty, very hot, with a mouth full of metal , and she knows football trivia?
Argh... the woman i've always been looking for is right beside me, and i'm invisible and silent to her.

"Oh, will you look at that?", she said. "Visiting hours are over."
She turned to me and said, " You'd better say goodbye to your friend, looks like he needs his beauty sleep. Who knows, maybe some pills will help.", she suggested.
"What do you think, Mister...?"
She left the question hanging in the air, and for many umconfortable seconds, i didn't say anything.
"Hum... hum... er...", i mumbled.
"Wow, that is such a nice name, Humhumer is. I bet your parents must be real proud of you."
"But the thing is... i don't really speak Klingon. Haven't you got a, i don't know, more normal name?"

"Snow", i whispered.
"Snow", i repeated.


"Tender is the day
The demons go away
Lord, I need to find
Someone who can heal my mind."

Blur, Tender

Chapter 18 : The sound of her wings

Lying by your side, I look at you, watch your chest going up and then down as you breathe, lost in the most just of sleeps.
A flicker of a smile flashes through your lips, and you laugh, almost imperceptibly, but a laughter that warms my soul anyway.

I look at you again, and i think about all we've gone through.
There are terrible, terrible things that I must say to you.
I am trying to write down what I want to say, but the words they will not come.
I am trying to speak, but my words will not be heard.
I just try to be, but sometimes it just seems that there is nothing left inside me.
I try, and everything I do makes everything else even worse than it is.
I feel myself falling, invisible, slipping through your hands.

Outside the rain falls, but you don't hear me, and I miss you so, though you are right here by my side.
And I feel so alone, and cold... I can't even will myself to cry.
I'm afraid, and i feel that I'm drifting away irrevocably.
This collection of lines nears its end, and I have written those words that would not come, but if I spoke then nothing has been said.
I'm looking for something deep inside me, but I can't find anything and so I fall...

You are sleeping so soundly... if I never told you how much I enjoy just watching you sleep, I am sorry, though I know it's too late for that.
You know I always tried my best, don't you? I hope you do.
Because, yes, I've always been someone a bit complicated, but with steadfastness and patience you were able to forgive my shortcomings.
But what I am about do is beyond forgiveness, I suppose.

I rise and I open up a window. It's not cold, but I feel my naked body shiver. You turn in bed, and snuggle a little more in the duvet.
The rain falls softly on my face, light as a lover's touch, warm as the rain of mid September can bee, relaxing as the song of a bird at dawn.
And what I have to say to you, those words flash through my mind once again, and not for the first time i question myself when did I lose my sanity, so I can do what I am going to do.
Madness, I thought once again, as the rain began to fall with more intensity, drops falling fat and heavy over the roofs, making leaves fall, threatening to flood this very room.

In the bathroom I found a towel to dry myself, and saw my own reflection in the mirror. The face that stared at me, familiar as always, reminded me that of a stranger, a real monster.
My god, I thought, how can I do this to you?
I got back in bed, snuck up to you, and felt oddly aroused. I stuck a nail in my sex until it bled to drive the arousal away. I traced a finger softly over your hair, long locks of gold during the day, turned silver when they drink the moonlight.
The hand continues to move, slightly tracing the shapes of your body, and rests in your legs, those legs that so many times ran after me, and many more times still enfolded around me.

You tremble with my touch, and you wake.
"Luv", you say, sleepy, your hair covering one of your perfect little breasts, "Is everything alright?"
I looked at you, fighting back the tears, and with saddest smile in the world I said ,"Yeah. Everything's ok. Don't you worry about a thing."
You smiled back at me, leaned your head against the pillow, and beckoned me closer.
"Never leave me", you begged.
"Don't be foolish", I said, closing your eyes with my fingers.
I kissed your face and whispered in your ear, "Now sleep. And dream.

"Haven't had a dream in a long time."

The Smiths, Please, please, please let me get what I want.

Chapter 17 : Of birds and real people

The video for The Verve's 'Bittersweet symphony" is, basically, the lead singer walking on the street, and what's so peculiar about it is that as he walks the guy just bumps into anyone and everyone not clever enough to move out of his way.
So today, just before i left home, i decide to adopt a Richard Ashcroft posture.
Tremble, puny mortals.

To enhance this decision, I chose not to comb my hair, and dress all in black.
I even managed to get a black leather jacket.
So i went out, determined.
I walked exactly seventeen seconds before i bumped into someone.
We're sorry, we are.
Next time look where you're going.
Hah!

Three minutes into this, I confess that all this bumping around was getting kind of infuriating.
Besides, one of the guys that did not move out of the way, was very big and he glared at me menacingly.
I chose another strategy.
Because I am a gentleman and kind to boot, i will not bump into ladies (unless they're really hot) or children (unless they're rally annoying).
I will bump into old people only.
And that's only if they don't have a walking stick.
Trust me, a stick in the head hurts quite a bit.

I was walking for about half an hour when I was passing by a diner, and inside I see a friend of mine.
He was sitting all by himself, eating something, and I saw him from behind. But I'd recognize that guy anywhere in the world.
I came near him, saw that he was eating a steak with french fries, patted him on the back, took a fry, and said, "Hey, man!"

Horror.
A face I had never seen before stared at me, sporting a moustache that would befit a walrus; and, trembling with indignation, started to throw verbal abuse my way.
I confess I didn't understand a single word he said; I mumbled a few words of apology, and got out fast as I could.

Argh.
Now that was embarrassing.
Hello, what's this? My cell's ringing? Who can it be now?
Berenice? Suddenly my day got a whole of a lot better.

"Hiya! How are you?"
"Same shit, different day."
"Yeah. Right. Dinner?"
"Up to me? Right!"
"You want what? Red wine? Madness, I tell you."
I know what you want.
"Ok, sounds like a plan. I'll meet you there."
"Yeah, it's as good an hour as any other. See you, then."

Oh my God. Berenice.
In a fit of generosity, I decided to let go of the bumping into other people business.
Finally, something good happens today.
And if I play my hand well, something even better later on.

I got back home to change, black was definitely out.
I wore something very casual : jeans, white t-shirt, sneakers.
I keep the jacket on anyway.
Oh hell, what was that perfume that drove her nuts?
'Angel', that's the one. I put on a liberal amount of perfume.
You're so going down, baby.

Music, I thought, I need to hear some music.
So I turn on my computer, selected a play list, and turned on random play.
As I listen to the first chords of the song, I have a really stupid thought.

"Bigmouth, ladada-dada, Bigmouth, ladada-da... Bigmouth strikes again..."

Hmmm... Bigmouth... Bigmouth reminds me of someone very big... big mouth... mouths... That's it, yeah, I was thinking about the ox from a cartoon I used to see when I was younger, "Ox tales"!
Now, how did the music go?
Oh yeah...
"Something something or the other in dutch that I never understood... BUSH BUSH!"
It's stupid, I know, but that's what a line or two will do to you.

Now where the fuck is this girl?
Is it possible that she never even heard of the concept of punctuality?
Not even a phone call, or a text message saying she'd be late.
Granted, I could have done that, but baby, the interest is all yours...
For the past ten minutes, the guy behind me has been coughing. I swear, the bastard will cough up a lung.
Right, that's it. If the fucker coughs again, I'm gonna smash is fucking face in.

"Hi", you said, "Sorry I'm late. Have you been here long?"
"Nah, just got here myself", I lied.
"Give us a kiss, then. Hmm... you smell good. Angel? You know how I love that smell on you."

One.

"Berenice, Berenice. Long time, no see. So, what have you been up to?"
"Please, no-one calls me Berenice! Diana, my name is Diana, and you should know that by now... Berenice makes me feel so old and Brazilian."
"There's not much to tell, really", you said, a glass of red wine on its way to your redder lips.
"I lived in Moscow for a while, but now I'm back."
"Moscow", I asked.
"What's in Moscow? Nothing, that's what it is. You're crazy and you need a psychiatrist.
"Sorry?
"Nothing, forget it. So, seriously, what did you go there for?"
"Well... do you remember that guy I was dating, Michael?"
I sneered, "Argh. Yes. That idiot boyfriend of yours."
"Ex-boyfriend", you replied. "Anyway, and to cut a long story short, he went there, and I decided to go with him, returned without him. He stayed there with some Svetlana or the other."
"Well, let us drink to that! That prick never deserved you, and you know that, you said so yourself that he didn't treat you the way you deserved", I continued.
"No", you admitted. "Not like you. Never like you. But then you are different... unique, I might say."

Two.

After dinner, and after a few more drinks, we walked for a while, without saying anything. Truth be told, there was not much left to say. We both knew where this was headed to, and why mince words?
Still, it's a strange thing indeed when friends have nothing left to say to each other.
But now is not a time for words, it's a time for action.
When we got to your car, and before we get in, I held you, kissed you, and pressed your body against mine.
I felt your nipples stiffen with my touch.

Three.
That, my friends, is check-mate in just three moves.
You may try, but you will never succeed.

Suddenly I hear you laughing.
"It was so easy to seduce you", you said.
"So easy", you repeated.
"All it took was a word here, another there... a suggestion of vulnerability... what happened to you? You didn't use to be like this.", you said, getting in the car.

I just stood.
You laughed a bit more, turned on the ignition, and drove away.
Oh wow, the perfect ending for the perfect day.
What else can possibly go wrong?

"Mate", a voice said, "you got some change?"

"If you want something, don't ask for nothing.
If you want nothing, don't ask for something!"

Arcade Fire, Neighbourhood #2 (Laika)