Friday, June 29, 2007

Chapter 26 : Days before you came

“Poor little baby”, I said, playfully, “poor little Jon can’t even get up from bed!”
You were bed-ridden with a cold, taking a variety of meds the doctor prescribed; though I knew that in days you’d be up and about again, and our lives would go back to normal, seeing you in bed like this still hurt more than I cared to admit.
I was standing by your side, my arms folded protectively over my stomach, when, and with great exaggeration you said,
“Love… listen to me… these will be… the last words I will ever… ever say.”
“I want… I want you to have all… all my CD’s and DVD’s… and the photos, too, ok?”, for added effect, you coughed dramatically.
“Nah”, I answered jovially. “I’ll sell that stuff, and burn the photos… what I really want is the keys to the car and the fortune I know you’ve been amassing all along in secret”, I said, with a small laugh.
“Ah!”, you sighed audibly, “Oh horror upon horror! Be gone, o form of man! You wish to take all I have saved for us all along!”
“Have you no respect for a man’s pain that you have to come here and mock him?”, you asked.
“Pain?”, I asked, ”Bah, what do you know? If you were a woman you’d have reason enough to complain.”

You looked at me for a few seconds, some playfulness in your eyes, and said, “You know nothing. Now, shut up, and get ready”, you concluded.
I didn’t have any reaction, quick and agile as a tiger you jump on me, and roll, then get on top of me, your hands on my stomach.
“Oww”, I said, “be gentle, it still hurts a bit.”
“Yeah?”, you asked. “Why?”
I looked at you and I wondered how could someone be so daft, then I remembered : Men.
“Well, think hard, Einstein”, I said.
You either had no idea, or just couldn’t find the right words to say.
“Hmmm…”, you said.
“Ok”, you agreed.
“Really?”, you asked doubtfully, as if it was just an optical illusion.
“But… but just a few weeks ago… surely not…”, you mumbled, clearly out of your depths.
“Honey”, I said, “Maybe this will come as a shock to you, but you know, this is a cycle? And it means it repeats itself! Yay! And to my sorrow, yeah, it kinda comes in a monthly basis?”
Wow. I think I never saw you blush so much.
God only knows how you were able to retain your sanity after that episode all those months ago.
So I decide to change my strategy.

“But you know, it’s near the end now, and maybe I kinda miss having sex, so if you want to…”, I suggested, with a wink.
“Oh, yuck, no way!”, you said, “Nuh-uh, that’s gross!”
“Yeah? Is that right? I didn’t see you complain last month… or the month before that, come to think of it.”
“Yeah, well, I was Count Dracula then”, you said. “Mwahahaha!”, you attempted to laugh in my patented Donald Duck laughter, and failed gloriously.
“C’mere”, you said, pulling me to your side of the bed.
“Hey, hey, no touchy! I don’t want to get sick too, or take back with me all kinds of diseases to the hospital, ok?”, I said, maybe a bit brusquely.
“I just wanted a kiss from you”, you said tenderly.
Because of that, I covered you with kisses.
“Fuck, it’s true… this weekend I’ll be pulling double shifts at the hospital, so we’ll only see each other now on Monday, yeah?”, I said, checking the time.
“And in about ten minutes I should start getting ready to leave, babe.”
“Ok”, you said, “I love you, Natalie. Never forget that.”
“And I…”, I love you so much, Jon, so much. More than anything.
Then why can’t I say it? We’ve been together for almost a year, now, and I’ve never said it, though you say it every day, as if it was the easiest thing in the world, as if it came as easily as breathing to you.
“And I…”, I repeated.

“Natalie”, you said, “you don’t have to say it.”
“But if I don’t you’ll end up thinking that I don’t feel it, that I don’t love you.”
You got closer to me, held me in your arms, and whispered in my ear, “It’s because you don’t say it that I know for sure how you feel. It’s because you don’t say the words, but because you do so much more than that, that I know that you love me.”, you said, and in your eyes I saw an immense pride in me, in us, a look that told me that nothing would keep us apart.
So I went and got ready to go, and when the time came for us to say goodbye, I swear a piece of my heart broke in two.
Never leave me, Jon Snow. Never.
“Wait for me”, I asked.
“Until the last star fades into darkness”, you said.
We kissed for along while, but too soon our lips were parted.
“I’ll see you soon, love”

Monday arrived, and I got home feeling exhausted; there was no part of me that didn’t ache.
Weekends at the Hospital are always very nice, watching sixteen year old idiots coming in comatose from all they drank, or worse, o.d’ing from some shit they took.
I feel filthy, and I’m going to take a long, long shower.
I scrub myself real hard to wash away all the smells from the Hospital; the vomit and piss of drunks that seemed to permeate my very essence.
I got out, dried myself, and yeah, at least ‘the curse’ was over.
I decide to put some cream over my body, to help me relax.
I still feel smelly, so I put on a bit of perfume : a dab behind the ears, another on the wrists; then on my neck, and very slightly, on my breasts.
I wear a fresh pair of pyjamas, and when I get into bed next to you, I hold you, and think about how much I really love you, Jon.
And I love you. I love you.
I love you more than anything else in this world. More than my own life, even.
You’re the one for me, the one with whom I would spend my remaining days, and have kids, and then grandchildren.
You make me want things I never ever wanted before.
You make me dream about things I thought I could never have.
I love you, and tomorrow I will let you know.
Because, my love, I want you to know that I will always be here for you, and that all I ever wanted is you.

We wake up at the same time, and it was late, way past lunchtime.
We stayed in bed, in silence, looking at each other.
No words needed be said, in the purity of that moment.
I lay next to you, my beauty, and want you to feel close to me.
Take my hand to you, touch you softly, your fair and warm skin.
Wordless, I felt the hardness of your arousal, and your fingers, those fingers that know me so well, find my secret and wet sweetness, only for you, yes, yes, oh god, like that…
You cover me with you, over me, and under you. I pull you into me, and as one we lay entwined, for hours on end, silent words lingering in between.
After a while, we fall asleep in each other’s arms. If only you knew how much I wanted to scream that I love you…
Every time I came, the words ‘I love you’ fought to get out, but they didn’t; I feared I would shatter creation itself with the strength of my thoughts alone.

When we get up, we were quite famished, but the fact that it was near midnight left us few options.
“Stay in bed”, you said and kissed my lips as if for the first time. “I’ll fix us something to eat.”
“Be right back”, you said.
“You promise?”
You laughed, and said, “Yes, I promise. And this time there will be no silly business that’ll keep me from standing by my promises.”
”Well… I mean, maybe you might get food poisoning from what I’m gonna cook…”, you said, on your way to the kitchen.
And from the kitchen came noises that made me think that maybe a whole legion was cooking, instead of just one person.
“Babe?”, I asked, “Is everything ok?”
Your head appeared from the kitchen, I could see that your hair and face had flour all over, and said, “Just dandy!”.
“You want help?”, I insisted.
A sound like a thousand pans falling, followed by the sound of something breaking, made you come to me to give me a floury kiss, and say, “Trust me. I know what I’m doing!”, and with that you disappear into the kitchen again.

I decide to leave you to your own mysterious ways, turned on the TV, saw that there was nothing good on, and I turned on the Playstation 2. But what to play?
I know, a classic.
My old Final Fantasy VII got dusted off, and memories came by the hundreds.
So many hours playing this game… And that Sephiroth… Yummy, yum.
Yeah, I know he’s only a cartoon, but oh my god…
I load the game directly to a part where Shephiroth commits an act of terrible cruelty.
“Sephiroth… oh boy”, I sighed loudly.
“Yeah?”, you say, holding a tray in each hand. “You would prefer a cartoon over me?”, you asked, the words playing upon your lips.
“Oh you know, that amazing, huge long silver hair, and that enormous sword… oh yummy, what’s not to like?”, I asked, while I was looking at the trays. Whatever it was, it sure did smell good.
“Oh really? It’s all a matter of size, is it? Ok, sure, you keep him… I’ll keep Aerith all for myself.”
“What?”, I shouted, “No way! You’ll keep me, and that’s the end of that”, I boomed joyfully.
“So I give up on her, and you give up on him? That it?”, you asked.
“Quid pro quo, Clarice”, I replied.
You laughed.

You set the trays on the table, I jumped at you, my legs rolling around your waist, and kissed you.
“Hmmm… that’s good”, you said. “But let’s grab a bite to eat, yeah?”
“Ok”, I agreed. “So… what the hell is it?”
“Well… it’s sort of fusili by way of sun dried tomatoes, and Turkish olives. I added a dash of olive oil, and vinegar too”, you concluded.
“Wow”, I said. “Sounds delicious. But… how come you had flour all over you?”
“Oh, that. I don’t know, I guess I thought it just made me look more, er… cook-y?”
“Oh brother”, I replied. “So what do we drink? There’s some wine left, I think…”
“Nah, don’t worry. Water’s fine.”
“Hey, you want to see a movie while we eat?”, I asked.
“Hmmm…”, you thought for a while, “Yeah! And I know just the one”, you enthused.
“Try and see if you can find out what movie it is… it’s got this great song : ‘it’s the eye of the tiger / it’s the thrill of the fight’ “, you sang.
I thought for a few moments, then said, “Rocky IV? Nawww… you’re crazy! No way, pick another… or I will!”, I threatened gently.
“Oh no. No no no no no. But it’s a pretty easy mistake to make, you see? The songs from Rocky III and IV were made by Survivor. And ‘The eye of the tiger’ is from Rocky III, not IV. That was ‘Burning heart’ “, you said proudly.

The look I gave you made you draw back, and lose the idea of us watching ‘Rocky’.
You started to hum the ‘Imperial march’ from Star Wars, but without any sort of hope.
“Well”, I said, “I guess it’s up to me to pick a movie… and I pick…. Let’s see… Ah, yes.”
“ ‘Man on the moon’ “, I said, in triumph.
You mumbled something, but I knew you were no match for me.
“Have you seen it before?”, I asked.
“Not really, no… it’s just that I’m not really into Jim Carrey that much, and the last good Milos Forman movie I saw was ‘Amadeus’ “, you said, defeated.
But you liked it, I know, because by the time the movie was finished, your eyes were pretty wet.
“Love, what’s that?”, I asked, “Are you crying?”
“Hmmm? What? No…”, you answered hurriedly. “it’s just something, ah… something in my eye, that’s all.”
“Heh”, you laughed. “I know we didn’t actually do anything very tiring today, but what about if we just hit the sack?”, you asked, your mouth wide open in a yawn.
“Sure”, I agreed. “Go on ahead, I have to go to the toilet, then I’ll be right back with you, ok?”

I brushed my teeth, saw myself on the mirror, then combed my hair sitting on the bed by your side. You were lying naked; only seldom did you sleep with any clothes on.
I sank into your arms, stroked those very arms that enfolded me, passed a hand through your hair, and you said,
“I love you, Natalie.”
“And I…”
“And I will tell you a story”, you said.
“Is it another one about your famous ancestor?”, I asked.
“It is”, you admitted. “But listen closely”, you asked.

“This story takes place a few years after the other story I told you. My kin of old had returned to the village, and built it anew. In time, it was peopled enough, so that prosper was made self evident.”
“The townsfolk, though, said that he was a cursed man, and as such there was no prospect of him getting married again, though his lands were rich, and the bounties plentiful, happiness was denied him for ever.”
“In a nearby village, there lived a young girl of legendary beauty, who, at the ripe young age of fifteen was a widow four times over. It was said that she, too, was cursed, for the seal of her virginity would render the purest of loves into sin.”

You stopped telling the story.
You got up, went to the kitchen, and brought a pitcher of water, and glasses for both of us.
“Drink”, you said.
“My ancestor set out to meet her one day, and when they did meet, it was as two souls that were but one, and had been halved long ago, were finally reunited.
Soon they were one, and on the day he took her for the first time, all the leaves fell from the trees, though it was high summer.”
“At the dawn of their first day together, all seemed as if taken from a fairytale, where hope prevails over lies, and truths that lurk hidden in the dark make dreams be filled with joy.”
“Suddenly, there was a light, of terrible beauty.”, you said darkly.
You topped up your glass of water, then shook your head.
“All had changed. The sun that shone faded behind clouds. Flowers no longer blossomed, animals fell sick, and all the children died. The only thing to be harvested was sorrow.”
“Then, all the blindness was taken away from us; our eyes finally began to see, when she closed her eyes. The Tear maiden rose from her throne of winter, and left.”

You said nothing more for long minutes after that. You cried a little bit, then I held your hands.
“Then”, you said, “my kinsman went after her, and he cried her name for all men, and angels, and demons, and the very Gods of heathen times to hear.”
“He cried her name, and said ‘I love you’.”
She looked back, and said, “And I love you, Ned Snow.”

I let silence follow your words.
I didn’t know what to say.
I knew. I just didn’t know how.
You saw that I was crying. You turned off the lights, and we were lit only by the moon that loomed phosphorescent outside.
You dried my tears with your lips, held me with such passion and love, and right then and there, Jon, I loved you with the intensity of all the stars, and planets, and suns, and all living things in the universe.
I put my face next to yours, and we just looked at each other for a long time.
“Don’t you worry”, you said, while you stroked my hair with one hand.
“When you feel the time is right, you will say the words I know you feel”, and your other hand fondled my breasts slightly, and then one finger circled slowly my nipple.
I stifled a sigh, and kissed you.

Again, you looked at me, then you closed your eyes. You said, “Let’s sleep.”
“Yes”, I agreed.
“I love you, Natalie”, you said with your eyes closed, but you were smiling, because my hand was tracing your beautiful lips.

“And I love you, Jon Snow.”, I thought.

"She's too invested in the hours That Pass Her By
I'd Pay Attention If I Thought It Was Worth The Time
I tell her easy but Her Hands They Find A Way
Confusing Passion For The Laws he never gave
Fall Back On Reasons That We Know Won't Stand A Chance
Watching Our Shoulders Like A Memory From The Past
I tell her easy but Her Hands They Find A Way
Confusing Passion For The Laws he never gave."

Timbaland, Time


Cris said...

Another chapter that touched me so... And that part that describes the arrival of Natalie from the hospital... amazing... sometimes it's how i feel, too... (i'm also a nurse, you know...)

But the most touching and beautifull moments, for me, are the one's where silence rules... and i make a pause on reading to feel that in a more intensively way...

Kisses of stars...

Ad Astra said...

You know, after i have written all i have to say about this story; and i know it won't be much more now, two more chapters i know for sure, then after those another, and an epilogue too; but after all this i will explain all the characters : where they came from, what was real, and what wasn't, and how they impacted my life.

Actually, the template i used for a large part of William / Sandor, is one of my best friends ever, Tiago.
I saw him the other day, and it freaked me out how so much of what i wrote is actually his life, and the very weaknesses that Will has, are his own.
I love him dearly, but that guy is always able to depress me.
Good news is, he's in love, madly in love with this girl, and so is she with him.
Congrats, mate, you deserve it, after all you went through.

Maybe one day it'll happen to me too, but you know, i kinda doubt it.

One more thing :

I really don't want to break the flow of this story, but there's a post i want to, well, post so badly it aches.
Goddamn, but i hate it when my life becomes just like a song.
And in this case it's "C´mere" by Interpol.
I'll explain later ahead why.

On a more cheerful note...

I am so tired of being me...


cris said...

Hey... I can´t wait to read what you've got to write... and yeah... that situation with your friend must have been really odd ;)

One thing:
Don't doubt yourself... you've got to believe that you deserve to be happy... you've got to believe in love... just believe... (that's what i try to do too)...

and... believe me... i don't get tired of you... why? Think...

Tender kiss... in you...