Today has not been a good day.
For one, it's way too hot and the heat feels oppressive on my skin. The day has barely begun for me, and already I'm feeling like i could use another shower.
It's so hot that I'm sweating, and that's something that I don't normally do. I'm sticky, and because I'm sticky I'm feeling irritable.
My temper is flaring; and that, also, is something that doesn't normally happen.
And because of the heat, and because of this conversation I'm having, and because my temper is indeed rising, I say :
"Whoa. Slow down. Wait a fucking moment, ok?"
"I'm sorry, but can you not see what this pain has fucking done to me?", I asked.
Maybe i used a tone that was too aggressive, that's as may be.
Maybe what I said, I said in a way that was less than appropriate, but them's are the breaks.
Maybe I raised my voice just a little bit too high, I suppose, because the people all around us were looking at me sideways, as if I were a worm; to be trodden and scorned.
Idiots. How dare you? You make me sick.
How dare you judge me?
I pulled myself together again.
And she looked at me, uncertain if she should say something.
"I know that this wasn't one of my best or brightest ideas. I know that. After all you -- and us -- was a long time ago. Sometimes it seems that it was lifetimes ago."
"But do you remember the last time we were together?", I demanded.
She looked at her purse for a great deal of time, maybe five minutes, maybe only a couple of seconds, and finally took out a cigarette and lit it.
Before she could answer me, I said : "And think well on the words you want to say before you speak them."
She blew a long column of smoke in my direction, and let out a small wail.
Was that hurt i saw in her eyes?
"Yes," she finally answered. "What of it?"
So this is what I have to deal with. Ok, fair enough, two can play that game.
If you are going to be the Ice fucking Queen, then you'd better get ready.
"Fuck, but do you have to smoke? You know i never liked seeing you smoking..."
"Sorry. You know I aim to please.", she answered sarcastically.
She's good. Very good. But then she's always been. She always had an amazing way with words.
She always knew what words to use to hurt me the most.
"The last time. Yes. I remember. Listen, don't cling to the past. Let go. Move on. Worked out perfectly fine for me."
I want to scream. I want to hit this woman that I once loved so much. Then I feel so guilty about wanting to hit her that I want to hit myself.
It's amazing, we met fortuitously less than hour ago, and we're already at each other's throats. That's serendipity for you, that is.
Let go? Move on? Worked out perfectly fine for you?
Of course it did.
With thirty other different guys.
"What you said to me... what you asked...", I paused for a few moments and i took a sip of a coffee that was already in its ice age.
That's another thing that doesn't normally happen, me drinking coffee.
And it's something I'll never understand... Why do people drink coffee? Why am I drinking coffee? Why the fuck am I drinking coffee?
As you can see, yes, I was very annoyed. More than just that, I was pissed off.
I was going to lash out, but...
"I remember what I said. And I still know why I said it.", you say.
"Because I still wanted you?", I whispered.
"Because you still wanted me", you said, and you said it as if it were the most mundane thing in the world.
"You know me too well. Yes, I'd kill halfway through creation just to hold in you in my arms again, and to find that love that I so dearly miss.
It was so hot, that a mild summer drizzle began to fall. Or maybe it was me that was crying, I don't know.
With an unexpected, and somewhat uncharacteristic tenderness you say, "But you know you can't, right? You know you can't..."
"I know," i reply. "I've known it for a long time. Listen to me. I don't want to make you cry. This is just stuff that I have to get out of my system. You know there was plenty left unsaid."
"And the thing is, I never wanted this. I never wanted this to happen. I didn't need this, and I didn't ask for it."
"You know as well as I do that these things have a way of happening, and you just can't control them. Things happen, it's just that."
"I am only human... and I fell in love with you. Against my better judgement, yes, but i feel for you. And I loved you more than life itself."
Perhaps because I said the words that I could never muster the courage to speak to you, tears welled in your eyes.
"Please, please don't cry. And don't be afraid to hurt me. I think I've moved beyond that point. Don't be afraid. You know I can take it. Like a girl, but I can take it."
We laughed, nervously, and for half a second it seemed that all was well.
"Whatever may happen. Despite anything you say. But I will love you always. Come what may."
"That's ok. That's ok. You know I never meant to make you cry."
I took you in my arms for the last time, and we sang the only song that was left for us to sing.
"You see her, you can't touch her.
You hear her, you can't hold her.
You want her, but you can't have her.
You want to, but she won't let you."
Franz Ferdinand, Aud Achse