Chapter 18 : The sound of her wings

Lying by your side, I look at you, watch your chest going up and then down as you breathe, lost in the most just of sleeps.
A flicker of a smile flashes through your lips, and you laugh, almost imperceptibly, but a laughter that warms my soul anyway.

I look at you again, and i think about all we've gone through.
There are terrible, terrible things that I must say to you.
I am trying to write down what I want to say, but the words they will not come.
I am trying to speak, but my words will not be heard.
I just try to be, but sometimes it just seems that there is nothing left inside me.
I try, and everything I do makes everything else even worse than it is.
I feel myself falling, invisible, slipping through your hands.

Outside the rain falls, but you don't hear me, and I miss you so, though you are right here by my side.
And I feel so alone, and cold... I can't even will myself to cry.
I'm afraid, and i feel that I'm drifting away irrevocably.
This collection of lines nears its end, and I have written those words that would not come, but if I spoke then nothing has been said.
I'm looking for something deep inside me, but I can't find anything and so I fall...

You are sleeping so soundly... if I never told you how much I enjoy just watching you sleep, I am sorry, though I know it's too late for that.
You know I always tried my best, don't you? I hope you do.
Because, yes, I've always been someone a bit complicated, but with steadfastness and patience you were able to forgive my shortcomings.
But what I am about do is beyond forgiveness, I suppose.

I rise and I open up a window. It's not cold, but I feel my naked body shiver. You turn in bed, and snuggle a little more in the duvet.
The rain falls softly on my face, light as a lover's touch, warm as the rain of mid September can bee, relaxing as the song of a bird at dawn.
And what I have to say to you, those words flash through my mind once again, and not for the first time i question myself when did I lose my sanity, so I can do what I am going to do.
Madness, I thought once again, as the rain began to fall with more intensity, drops falling fat and heavy over the roofs, making leaves fall, threatening to flood this very room.

In the bathroom I found a towel to dry myself, and saw my own reflection in the mirror. The face that stared at me, familiar as always, reminded me that of a stranger, a real monster.
My god, I thought, how can I do this to you?
I got back in bed, snuck up to you, and felt oddly aroused. I stuck a nail in my sex until it bled to drive the arousal away. I traced a finger softly over your hair, long locks of gold during the day, turned silver when they drink the moonlight.
The hand continues to move, slightly tracing the shapes of your body, and rests in your legs, those legs that so many times ran after me, and many more times still enfolded around me.

You tremble with my touch, and you wake.
"Luv", you say, sleepy, your hair covering one of your perfect little breasts, "Is everything alright?"
I looked at you, fighting back the tears, and with saddest smile in the world I said ,"Yeah. Everything's ok. Don't you worry about a thing."
You smiled back at me, leaned your head against the pillow, and beckoned me closer.
"Never leave me", you begged.
"Don't be foolish", I said, closing your eyes with my fingers.
I kissed your face and whispered in your ear, "Now sleep. And dream.

"Haven't had a dream in a long time."

The Smiths, Please, please, please let me get what I want.