Sunday, June 17, 2007

Chapter 5 : Unbent, Unbowed, Unbroken

Ten minutes ago, I had my ipod on, and Michael Stipe was screaming from the top of his lungs that "This one goes out to the one I love".

I say, "Listen very closely to what I am going to say."
And i wanted to say, "For you shall say it only once?", but decided against it.
It would have been too much.

"Sometimes", I continued, "sometimes you act as if you have no idea what you want for yourself, or what you want out of life. You're stuck in some kind of limbo."
Cue funny song that puts people trying to do a weird dance that involves a stick.
"And both of us know why."

"Yes", you answered softly, while you studied minutely your own hands.
"Look at me. Yes, just like that. Not too hard is it?"
"Now think", I asked earnestly. "It's not fair, neither to you nor to anyone else, that you live like this."
"Yes, I know what it is to seek someone who you can't forget."
"Yes, I know what it's like to let a feeling like that destroys your days and haunt your nights."

"But look at what that did to me. Look at what it made me become. I destroy everything I touch, it seems. And that which I touch, I don't feel."
"Is that what you want for you?"

In silence you remained, for a few moments, for an eternity of moments.
"No", said the faintest of voices, almost imperceptible.
"No", I agreed.

Years later you would tell me, full of joy, with an abundance of happiness, that the decision had been made for a long time.
"Even before that conversation, you know? But that conversation became the driving force of how everything played out."

After that night's conversation, she got home and made up her mind.
"I know who I am. I know what I am. Yesterday, I was but a child, and I spoke like a child. Now, I am a woman grown, and I have left behind that which is childlike."
"I know who you are, and I know what you are. I know who you'll make me become, and I know what you'll make me become. And I thank you for that. I welcome you. I make you mine, as I myself am made yours. Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. Always. All ways. Forever and for ever. World without end."

"I didn't choose you, as you have chosen me. You haven't chosen me, as i have chosen you. This is our fate, newborn, old as the stars."
"You are my God, as I am your Avatar. Loudly, I cry, I cry with pride : My God has an Elephant’s head!"

Slowly, softly, with a voice like liquid honey, she said : "Ga-nee-sa."
"Ganesh, the Lord of Beginnings, and the Lord of Obstacles."
"The abolition of the past has begun. Tomorrow belongs to me."

Days after that she came to me.
"Listen", I said, "I've been reading the letters written by Theo Van Gogh, shortly after his brother Vincent died, and the last thing he said just before dying was "Le tristesse durera toujours". The sadness will never go away. For him, at least. And for you?"

She looked at me, with such a mighty strength in her eyes, a fierce sunrise in her eyes, and smiled that smile that's brighter than all stars combined.

"What do you think?", she said, laughing.

"You can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies.
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah, you'll bleed just to know you're alive..."

Goo Goo Dolls, Iris