Sunday, June 17, 2007

Chapter 6 : Hurt

"I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel.
I focused on the pain
the only thing that's real."

Nine Inch Nails, Hurt.

Months ago : "You don't have anything that you want to say to me?", she asked while she was drinking something, coffee, maybe.
I didn't say anything. I just stared ahead, contemplating the infinite.
"You don't have anything that you want to say to me?", she repeated.
"I'm going to the toilet. You should do well to try and think real hard about what you have to tell me."

The only thing in my mind that I could think about were songs.

"I thought the future held a perfect place for us.
That together we learn to be the best that we can be.
In my naivety, I ran, I fell and lost my way...
Somehow I'm always falling over me."

VNV Nation, Holding on.

I don't know why, but if I were to say this, it didn't quite strike me as being a good idea.
Shit, shit, shit. Think about something valid to say.
Nothing. Zip. Nada. Blank.
More songs.

"You had to sneak in to my room just to read my diaries
It was just to see, just to see all the things you knew
I had written about you... oh so many illustrations
but I am so very sickened... oh, I am so sickened now."

Morrissey, Suedehead

She came back, and once more she asked : "You don't have anything that you want to say to me?"
I searched the depths of what I thought defined the kind of man I was.
After long, long seconds of strenuous soul-searching, I answered :
"There is nothing left to say."

More months later : "You have something that you want to say to me.", she said, with all the warmth of an iceberg.
Something which, frankly, I deserved.

"Yes", I said, obviously discomfited and uncomfortable.
"Something I should have said such a long, long time ago..."
"I'm sorry that I wasn't able to trust you. But I have no idea how to do that, not anymore."
"And I'm sorry I didn't love you, as you loved me. I have forgotten what it is to love... I haven't done it in ages."
"I'm so sorry."
"Simple as that. I know what it's worth, but there you go."

"See", I said, in tears. Honest to God tears. "Someone who cared for me deeply, and for whom I also cared died recently. And seeing him die, worse : watching him slowly fade away into nothingness, made me see so many things... and it breaks my heart in two knowing all that was left unsaid."
"And now it is too late. It's cruel. I don't want to make the same mistake all over again."

You looked at me.
"Huh-huh. And THAT is what YOU have to say to ME?", asked the Ice Maiden.
"We-ell," I answered, "Yeah, but not only that... I wanted to tell you that I was somEone different, i dunno, someone more... stupid... when we were together..."
"I swear that was someone else, not me."
"So, and I know it's way too much to even ask this of you, but if you're willing to give us another chance..."

I left the question hanging in the air, half waiting for a slap that never came, while she stared incredulously at me.
Of course that the fury came, in the shape of an ice storm, each word more terrible than a thousand whips.

"No. Shut the fuck up. Shut your mouth. How can you say that? Please, no. No. Not another word."
"I really can't believe this. Now you want me?"

"But I thought that you could give us another chance!", I cried.
"Us?", she replied. "There is no 'us'! What part of that don't you understand, you bastard?"

She looked at me, eyes set like pale diamonds that saw straight through me, and the most wicked and cruel smile I will ever see formed in her lips, and she said.

"Fuck you, William."

"Don't kid yourself,
and don't fool yourself
this love's too good to last
and you're too old to dream..."

Muse, Blackout

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